[Michael Cera knocked backwards by ejecting toast]
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Ooops wrong house😂😜
When you open your heart to someone, there is blood. Lots and lots of blood. And then you die. So don’t open your heart.
Always a housemaid, never a house.
me: so you’re just going to pack up my things? as if none of this meant anything to you??
grocery bagger: what
Friend: Your makeup looks nice.
Me: Thanks. I went to a wedding last weekend.
stranger: is this snake poisonous?
us: nah fam,
stranger: *picks up snake, gets bitten, starts foaming at the mouth*
us: it’s venomous tho
I’ll take all that stuff you’re giving up for lent.
*reads online that you should befriend your coworkers with some water cooler talk*
ME (to coworker): So, are you into water coolers?
1st date
She: I enjoy long walks on the beach.
Me: *nod knowingly* Because you want to lose weight.
it’s my first birthday in four years so say happy birthday to me rn or i’ll k*ll u with my bare hands
Watching married couples argue in Bed Bath & Beyond is my Game of Thrones.
I followed you because you’re hot
-Mosquitoes
Of course skinny jeans are canceled, after a year of quarantine no one fits in them anymore
gf: its over I can’t be with someone so cheap with such a bad temper
me: arghhh *grabs lamp and places it on it’s side against the wall*
When I open the washing machine lid mid-cycle, I feel like I’ve entered a party where everybody suddenly stops dancing and stares at me.
So 10’s school is having PJ day tomorrow and asked the parents who drop off to wear theirs too..
Should I tell them I sleep in the nude or just show up?
*sharing a box of cereal with the cat*
Me: Frosted Lucky Charms
Cat: They’re magically deliciOH, uh MEOW
My favorite part of The Lion King is the part where Nicki Minaj held up baby Simba.
If I ever had a wedding I would give certain guests a “-1” where they get to pick another guest and disinvite them
shout out to the women in the hot dog eating contest who ate 2 dogs in 5 minutes… no competitive streak no urgency just taking the stage for a light lunch
The First 48 is on from now until 4am. If anyone needs me I’ll be on my couch solving homicides and eating schnacks.
(Don’t need me)
*accidentally watches MTV awards
“Who?”
Revenge is a dish best served with revengetables.
If a recipe does not call for cheese, I’m gonna assume they forgot it and add an entire large bag. Well 3/4 of bag cause I ate some of it.
Used a Ouija board as a charcuterie plate and now three people who ate the Brie are dead.
[6 PM]
Tween:
[7 PM]
Tween:
[8 PM]
Tween:
[9 PM]
Tween: I need a poster board for school tomorrow.
Me: If something tragic happens it’s a tragedy, so if something magic happens it’s a “magedy”
Websters: Sir, you have to stop calling
Growing up is just going from hearing “we have food at home” to saying “we have food at home”.
[dog people] here’s my angel Rex! he knows 19 tricks & brings me my slippers every morning!
[cat people] this is Princess Murder who lets me live with her.she pees on everything i love. her interests include screaming & eating bugs. when she asks me to kill for her i will say yes
I meant to tell a flight attendant I needed a lavatory but I said laboratory instead, and that’s how I got strip searched at 35K feet.