[Michael Cera melting like a slug because there’s too much salt on his fries]
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why does half of Twitter think they’re going to lead a communist uprising when they’re too scared to order pizza on the phone
Laying a trap for my boyfriend by asking him if he thinks I look too skinny
I’d prob date Pete Davidson too if Instagram showed me a targeted ad for him more than 3x
Don’t worry there’s only 60 more days of January
you’re telling me this bread has monkey in it?
They must have had a really good laugh when doctors realized that thermometers could be taken orally too.
Chewbacca before you swallowbacca
It’s dress up day tomorrow at daughter’s school. Vikings. One of her more eccentric friends – who likes to think outside the box – is going as an oar
Dog: I am more loyal, intelligent, and social
Cat:
Dog: I am faster, stronger, and more dangerous
Cat:
*power goes out*
Dog: *panics and runs directly into the wall in the dark, knocking himself out cold*
Cat: you were saying
Why do people have guest books at their houses? Your game night is not a destination, Brenda.
you know the joke for kids that goes like this?:
“what do you call an alligator in a vest?”
“an investigator.”well, i think i just wrote a new one that goes like this:
“what do you call a duck who’s a detective?”
“deductive.”BONUS: a detective IS an investigator.
please stand back I’m about to make this worse
Outside, contemplating life, love, and happiness and if I should tell the neighbor that his kid has been stuck in a tree for three hours.
Never go to bed angry. Stay up and make sure they don’t sleep either.
Ever since I had my fingerprints taken for employment, I often sit at my desk gazing off in the distance, reflecting over the opportunity of an exciting life of crime lost by accepting this job.
Don’t let people push you around. Unless it’s in a wagon, because that shit is fun!
my dog when she sees a vacuum: i have no concept of heaven and hell but holy shit you are the devil
11:30 – Sit on toilet, open Twitter.
11:54 – Try to stand, fall to floor with numb legs.
11:55 – Get comfortable on floor, open Twitter.
Whenever I’m willing to sell my soul, there’s usually food involved.
I’m at the age where drinking a cup of coffee now makes me feel like Popeye scarfing down a can of spinach.
WAR ON XMAS BATTLE LOG:
•DAY 6
-Ate a load bearing wall in the gingerbread house.
*SEES SPIDER DRESSED AS A CLOWN IN THE SHOWER*
**LEAVES THE UNIVERSE**
If your child walks out of the bathroom with a cup of water, always ask where the water came from. I know this now.
A man is “shirtless” while a woman is “topless.” One might say this refers to women’s larger variety of clothing options. More intriguingly, it implies we have not decided on men’s orientation in space. Who knows where the top of a man is
Nobody:
Dog: OMG HE LOOKED IN THE GENERAL DIRECTION OF MY LEASH WE’RE GOING FOR A WALK I’M READY C’MON LET’S GO NOW PUT YOUR SHOES ON NOW HERE LET ME HELP I HAVE YOUR SOCK OK LET’S GO WALK!!!
Not sure if I washed the spider down the drain in my shower or if he took one look at me naked and then leapt willingly to his death.
INTERVIEWER: what’s a skill you want to improve?
ME: to realize when someone isn’t talking to me
JOE: uh…Excel
*takes off Scooby-Doo head*
Rivorce?!
I wasted my best smelling years on people who didn’t deserve me.
I just wish I had someone who wanted to touch me as much as my shower curtain does.