[Michael Cera melting like a slug because there’s too much salt on his fries]
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First day of summer vacation so I told my kids to propose a daily chore list and a fair compensation system and long story short, I just got home from work and I guess I already owe them $725 and a trip to Disneyland.
my cat: I’d like to go out
me: ok
my cat’s tail: not me tho
[Leaving bar]
GF: You okay to drive?
Me: I’m fine.
GF: You FEEL okay, but what would you blow?
M: 2 guys, tops.
GF:
M:
GF:
M: What?
A baby’s smile can light up a room. Unless it’s pitch black. Then the baby is totally useless.
Everyone in the gym on January 1st
Can’t make an omelette without breaking into my neighbor’s chicken coop.
Listen, frozen meal instructions, never in the history of owning microwaves have I known the wattage of any microwave
This 3 hour home security video of me coming home drunk & trying to sneak through our motion sensor flood light should be on Netflix.
A younger man said I have a smokin hot body for an older woman…
I’m not sure if I should thank him or put him in a time-out.
90% of parenting is crumb identification.
For $5 I’ll comment on your exes new relationship status saying “you gave me herpes!”
Me: “Leave me alone! I’m confident in who I am and I know my worth!”
Dollar General Employee: “Sir, these shelves aren’t designed to support your weight please get down from there.”
What psycho decided it was a good idea for kids to hunt for chocolate easter eggs right when the spring thaw reveals all the dog poop?
Hostage: *screaming*
Mafia boss: hurry up and tape his mouth!
Me: *still trying to find the end of the tape on the roll*
The bar at our movie theater sells movie-themed drinks.
Imagine my dismay when I found out their Aquaman-themed drink wasn’t a Jason Mimosa.
Why stop at biting during sex?
Bite people all the time.
Me: makes the painful yet responsible choice to face the day
Universe: Here’s an actual dead fly in your cup of coffee
Being grown up is simply knowing that body wash is different from hand soap but the same as bar soap but shampoo is different from body wash and bar soap is not for your hair and we don’t put body wash or shampoo next to the sink or hand soap in the shower
The worst part about having your death go viral is that you get kicked off the Queue for Taylor Swift tickets. #RIPJimmyFallon
Once I ‘get’ a man, how do I keep him, you ask?
It’s simple you idiot. I add cheese to everything. He makes lasagna; I add cheese. He wants to have a pass; I throw straight cheese. He wants to discuss fundamental physics; I buy string cheese…
I can’t undo my mistakes. All I can do is make more mistakes and hope the original one gets diluted.
Me: *drowning*
My Fitbit: great job!! Your first ever exercise!
Why do all Gas Station restrooms look
like you just walked in on an exorcism.
*first day using my sith power*
“Hey stormtrooper, stop hitting yourself!”
I was born a woman, which came as a tremendous shock to my parents as they’d been expecting a baby.
The fact that no one understands you does not mean you’re an artist.
My gym is opening up again, so now I have to go back to not going because I’m lazy.
[God making humans]
*watches YouTube video*
“Okay, got it!”
Rick Astley will let you borrow any movie from his Pixar collection except for one. He’s never gonna give you Up.
Daughter asked who the princess of France was. When told there wasn’t one her eyes widened and she quietly asked if she could do it