@TheToddWilliams: *Michael Cera presses too hard with a crayon and breaks his wrist*
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@Yankeegiant72: After I dislodged my head from the drywall, I had 2 thoughts: 1) Wow, this new Metallica song is really good and 2) I may need new drywall
@PaperWash: GF: every time we fight you start interpretive dancing *i dance beautifully for 12 minutes* GF: I DONT KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS!
@aparnapkin: I realized taking dogs for walks is basically their way of checking social media. One lap of smells is a newsfeed scroll. Peeing is posting.
@gumdropheaven: I eat children for a living You what? I said I feed children Oh haha thought you sa- TO MY MOUTH