@TheToddWilliams: *Michael Cera presses too hard with a crayon and breaks his wrist*
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@cjwerleman: Michelle Obama telling America to drink more water is the best plan I've heard for making racists dehydrate to death.
@ComedicBust: Me: Can I please sleep? Brain: No. Now sing Mambo #5 again. Me: But I hate that song! Brain: I don't give a shit! Me: 1, 2, 3-4-5...
@WhatevaConc: Make it awkward today by asking people what they did for Valentine's Day. When they answer "dinner", you should say "no...after that".