*Michael Cera presses too hard with a crayon and breaks his wrist*
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why do we call them railroad tracks and not training lines
The rule for washing jeans is once every financial quarter.
I once dated a dentist. He had a tiny round mirror on the ceiling over his bed.
Naked and afraid, but it’s just me taking off all of my clothing before I weigh myself.
Men grow their beards and everyone is all ‘oh look at them don’t they look rugged and handsome’
I grow mine one time and…
[throws milk at cows]
go be with your family
Horton Hears a who?
Horton Hears a what?
Horton Hears a huh?
Horton hears a chicka chikca chicka chicka slim shady.
My husband and I have reached the age that neither of us will get up to investigate even the strangest of noises.
If Frodo heads towards Mordor at 5 km/h and Aragorn heads towards Mordor at 7 km/h, how long until my friends come back?
We should probably abolish the death penalty since we don’t even get to throw rotten vegetables at people anymore
pilot: ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. we have just reached our cruising altitude of 15,000 feet
guy with massive foot fetish: *visibly sweating*
Why haven’t we tried telling our kids they have to stay 6 feet away from us? Do I have to think of everything?
The best way to remember your wife’s birthday is to forget it once.
wasn’t it like… bad on that boat?
A man played Justin Bieber to force an attacking bear to run off. He was treated for his injuries, then arrested for cruelty to animals.
This isn’t fat this is a stockpile. I’m doomsday prepping.
The Count of Monte Cristo remains popular because it speaks to that universal human desire to flex on everyone you went to school with
Beers ranked:
1-First beer after work
2-Post yard work beer
3-Shower beer
4-Vacation beer
5-All other beer
god: stop doing bad stuff
me: hear me out, what if i keep doing it but i feel bad after
god: that’s not the same
me: sorry ur breaking up
[Spelling bee, to clench victory]
“O,P… (hesitates) A,W,E,S,O,M,E.”
Judges?
(Opossum judges whispering for a bit)
Correct.
Laughter is like a face orgasm. If he can give me that, he earned an audition for giving me an actual orgasm.
it’s always “wyd” and never “i spent $1,000 on harry styles pit tickets for you”
[forgetting the word unfrosted]
do you have any khaki flavored Pop-Tarts
divorced parents be meeting at store parking lots exchanging they kids like it’s a drug deal. 😭
Sorry my armpits are so sweaty, I had to say my name and title on a conference call.
Screamed from the other room for somebody to bring me toilet paper only to be ignored.
Olive Garden wasn’t lying. When you’re here, you really are family.
Who called it “asking for sex” and not “pitchfork”
villain: ironic that the one who shot you is your English professor!
me *dying*: actually it’s coincidental
v *tearing up*: …you passed
step 6: release the wall snake
Tried to talk my kid through using the microwave while I was in a meeting, so I get it nasa ground control