@meatlobes: Michael Cera pretending to read the nutritional facts when his dad catches him struggling to open a jar of pickles
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@briangaar: HELLO POLICE, MY SON JUST TAUGHT CUT TO A LEGENDARY POKEMON I WANT HIM TRIED AS AN ADULT
@mlevchin: Front page of cnn.com features "Cats that look like Hitler". Just not enough other important stuff happening in the world, I guess.
@panmidwest: JOSEPH: who did you name me after? ME: you were named after my grandfather GREGGNOG: what about me dad?
@SadieSkyNinja: I've dated a guy who collected stained glass and wore bowling gloves so don't talk to me about standards.