@meatlobes: Michael Cera pretending to read the nutritional facts when his dad catches him struggling to open a jar of pickles
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@Sickayduh: Joey: WHOA Blossom: So you like that? Joey: WHOA Blossom: Are you saying stop? Joey: WHOA Blossom: OK This is the worst safeword ever
@amusedkerching: If someone is bothering you with unneccessary calls to your cell number, post their number on eBay with the ad "iPhone 5S for $1 only"
@3sunzzz: Waiter: May I take your order? Yes, roll over and play dead! Waiter: It's not that kind of order. Oh. Sorry. I'll have the cheese sticks.
@BoLenerf: Some people think I'm an uncultured lout but it's not true. For example, I know the 5-second rule on dropped food does not apply to soup.