Michael Cera pretending to read the nutritional facts when his dad catches him struggling to open a jar of pickles
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Them: I’m not getting that vaccine! I don’t know what’s in it.
Me: Have you ever eaten a hot dog?
The Hulk just texted me a picture of a zucchini, I think?
Sitting on the patio having coffee a bee lands on my arm I am still no flailing of arms I become one with the bee
Narrator: bee stings the shit out of him
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because I’m riding a Big Wheel on the freeway?
Officer: A STOLEN BIG WHEEL
They say New Zealand has a sheep population of over 60 million
How did they stay awake to figure THAT one out?
America: OH MY GOD. Some guy got shot in Ferguson.
World: We’re kinda busy with the 191,000 deaths from the Syrian Civil War
Brad Pitt wears a skirt and he breaks the internet. I wear one and the HOA is all, “Cease and desist!” and “You’re hurting our eyeballs!” and “You are uninvited to the pancake breakfast!”
My billionaire can beat up your billionaire.
You’re officially old when the lady who cuts your hair starts asking you if you would like her to trim your eyebrows and ears
…yes please
My favorite part about talking to my teens is when they give me direct eye contact, listen intently, nod understandingly and then take out their AirPods when I finish and say, huh?
[businessman shakes my hand]
Me: ahh yes, a handshake, from the handshake meme
Seeing a bicycle cop is like seeing a snake wearing a lil top hat. Like I know you’re dangerous but c’mon, look at you lol
date: i had fun tonight
me: me too
me: *mashes mouth against one cheek & slowly drags it across their whole face*
me: that’s how slugs kiss
girlfriend asks you to get wine: You’re getting laid
wife asks you to get wine: You’re getting yelled at
I set my alarm in a way to try to trick morning-me into getting up earlier, but morning-me is a math wizard and cannot be fooled.
Date: What do you do?
Me *holds up menu* you just choose a meal from this book of food
I haven’t read a single History book that explains how Asians got out of their Pokeballs.
“We had unprotected sex. Give us a present.” — the subtext of every baby shower
Got invited to a pool party tomorrow , time to dig out the ol’ leopard print Speedo
Genie: what is your first wish
Joe: i want to be rich
Genie: granted. and what is your second wish
Rich: i want lots of money
[Applebee’s Manager Application]
1. Are you a good people leader
2. Can you manage a P&L
3. Are you willing to fistfight the Chili’s Manager
The Wicked Witch was only evil because of her awful sex life. Ladies, you’d be pissed off, too, if getting even a little wet would kill you.
The romaine empire has fallen. Cesar is dead. Lettuce pray.
Number one rule as a snake charmer, never fall in love.
Treat your guests like family, so they don’t stay too long.
What’s the downside of being rude to your executioner?
Edward Scissorhands: You told me to put my hands up
Me: I said I was sorry
Other rollercoaster riders: *covered in chunks of duck*
I’m not “rich.” Actually, it depends on how you define wealth. If you’re talking about money, relationships, or happiness, then no still
Sci-Fi Author: In my book I invented the Torment Nexus as a cautionary tale
Tech Company: At long last, we have created the Torment Nexus from classic sci-fi novel Don’t Create The Torment Nexus
Hotline for families: 407-246-4357 #Orlando