@TheToddWilliams: *Michael Cera stubs his toe on a cotton ball*
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@slimmy_shady: As a funeral director, I always tie the shoe laces together of the deceased.The zombie apocalypse will be hilarious.
@zachreinert03: Audrey Hepburn probably has my favorite last name that combines an STD and a symptom of an STD
@TheScamJoanne: *two minor inconveniences happen at the same time* me: *needs to lie down for 3 days*
@joeljeffrey: I saw an attractive woman spank her kid in McDonalds after he threw his fries on the ground, so I also threw mine on the ground.