@TheToddWilliams: *Michael Cera stubs his toe on a cotton ball*
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@TheTweetOfGod: "Knock knock." "Who's there?" "Santa." "Santa who?" "Santa who has to use the door because you left your fireplace burning, jackass."
@ArfMeasures: [court] ME: Between 10 & 11 p.m. I was having sex JUDGE: Who are you? You're not even in this trial M: I know, I just want it on record
@Smooheed: I just ruined my 5 year olds' entire life by using the wrong shade of yellow for the sun Yay parenting