Michael Cera, too timid to send his food back even though he’s allergic to almonds, eats a meal and politely goes into anaphylactic shock.
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He lifts up my shirt only to have a full serving of broccoli fall out, steamed to perfection
Sometimes I am proud of my mistakes, sometimes I am ashamed.
My kids: We have NAMES, Dad!
Getting closure is important.
*lies on bed to zip up jeans*
The American flags on the moon have been bleached white from 44 years of solar radiation. If aliens ever attack, we’ve already surrendered.
In the bathroom:
Me: *Meticulously manscapes*
Plumber: “Please don’t do that while I am in here.”
nobody tell me how the eclipse goes today I’ll be watching it on delay
How about I get 100% off by already being there
Me: [sitting on a swing, eating goldfish crackers out of a plastic baggie at the park]
Him: How old is your child?
Me: Child?
Him: I eat healthily
Me who has just learned the word ditto and can’t wait to use it: say something else
HAMLET:*Draws sword* How now! a rat??
*stabs curtain*
LORD POLONIUS: O, I am slain! This is the w’rst game of hideth and seeketh ev’r *dies*
Jehovahs Witnesses: do you have time to talk about our lord and savior?
Me: of course! please come in!
[door slams shut and locks]
[lights dim]
[my PowerPoint presentation begins]Me: but first I wanna tell you about a timeshare opportunity!!!
*Goes to Nirvana themed
“Come as you are” Party**Gets arrested for indecent exposure*
Him: What gets you hot, baby?
Me: mmm, talk to me in an accent.
H: Zoinks, like, there’s a ghost! Let’s get out of here Scoob!M: *swoons*
Hey babies — Trains haven’t gone “choo-choo” for 150 years, get it together.
My college roommate made a student film about a guy’s life falling apart from drugs. A neighbor saw the baking soda lines on the Frankenstein poster in my room. She whispered, “Is Jake ok? Now I know why he looks so strung out.” “It’s fine, he’s just an engineering student.”
“Ok, let’s go now” 😂
Dungeons and Dragons is popular because it appeals to the human fantasy of having a group of friends who can come over at a regular time
No more excuses…
….next year I’m getting that exorcism.
if i ever go missing please don’t use that photo of me holding a sign that says “if i ever go missing don’t look for me.” thanks
When I see a “How am I driving?” sticker, I want to take the driver in my arms and tell them that I too have questions about my existence
Most girls: “I hangout with guys, there’s less drama.” Me: “I hangout by myself. There’s no drama & I don’t have to wear pants.”
The word tag is confusing. It can mean spray paint or touch someone & they’re it. Either way, there’s a purple kid in my neighborhood now
I wish I had the confidence of someone publicly donning a cloak
My friends wife threatened to leave him over his Star Wars collectibles and I was like divorce is strong in this one.
Enough with the movies already. We get it. You’re an actor.
Wife: Is he called Batman because he flies at night?
Me: Kinda. But mainly a traumatic childhood bat thing
Wife: So Spiderman had a traumatic spider thing?
Me: No. Bitten by a radioactive spider
Wife: So is Antman childhood trauma or radioactive bite?
Me: No
I’m coaching my son’s soccer team because it’s important that he knows I’ll swear at other kids, too.
Ah yes. My husband and I in our natural habitat.
Lying in bed on our phones whilst blowing pet hair off our screens.
well well well if it isn’t my neighbor thinking he can sit on a porch better than me