@gagging: Michael Jackson breaks into WALMART. He only steals lotion. Turning to the security camera he whispers "smooth criminal" and moonwalks away
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@ChaseMit: "We're not so different, you and I," Mitt Romney said to a stack of white printer paper.
@WillMckenzieNot: At a restaurant: "Would you like a table?" "No, not at all. I came here to eat on the floor. Carpet for 5 please."
@mattingebretson: Whenever someone starts checking their phone when I'm talking to them I like to regain their attention by combing their hair