@gagging: Michael Jackson breaks into WALMART. He only steals lotion. Turning to the security camera he whispers "smooth criminal" and moonwalks away
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@JasonLight73: When I see someone in public talking on a bluetooth..I like to position myself on the other side, lean in & whisper "It's ok I see them too"
@EndhooS: [1st day at Subway] Boss: u said u'd done this before Me: [painting myself in marinara sauce] I'm really more of an abstract sandwich artist
@existentialcoms: What I like about humanity is that certain mustaches are more evil than others, and everyone basically agrees on which ones are which.
@Smooheed: *puts on sexy underwear and high heels* *grabs whip* *flicks whip* *searches for scissors to extricate whip from hair*