@gagging: Michael Jackson breaks into WALMART. He only steals lotion. Turning to the security camera he whispers "smooth criminal" and moonwalks away
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@JimGaffigan: Hate weight limit signs in the elevator. Then I’m put in the awkward position of telling some pregnant woman she has to take the stairs.
@shutupmikeginn: A trailer in a movie theater ended with "November 20th" and a guy loudly said, "thats my birthday" and a random guy said "happy birthday"
@dubiousrhetoric: VERY difficult to convince the apple store people that you've only ever dropped your phone 3 times if you dropped it twice in the store.
@Cheeseboy22: If I wanted to drive my wife insane, I'd secretly raise a colony of bees & place one new bee inside of her car each morning for ten years.