Son: Sometimes I wish I was a triceratops!
Me: *imagining being crushed by a meteorite* Me too buddy
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Hate eating nachos with someone at the theater and our fingers touch. Especially if I don’t know them, and they don’t know we’re sharing.
How is it that I, a young, single, man with a good job and his own apartment, cannot find a swordsman skilled enough to grant me a warrior’s death?
My son to me, describing waking up without clothes on in the hospital after surgery when he was 6: “You have no idea what it feels like to wake up naked in a strange bed with no idea how you got there.”
Me: “Sure I don’t.”
My kids forgot the name of the game Marco Polo so they are currently playing Mario Luigi at the pool.
Judging by the way my kids raced to see who could chug their chocolate milk the fastest at the dinner table, I鈥檇 have to say they are never, ever going to be allowed at a keg party.
My Mom taught me to treat others the way I want to be treated so I always walk up to strangers and spray canned cheese in their mouth.
How To Write: get as distracted as possible for as long as possible until you are driven to start typing by an overpowering sense of shame.
Went to put some milk in my coffee this morning only to realize my kids drank it all. They leave me no choice.
Baileys it is.
“Are you mad at me?”
No. Why? Should I be?? Did you do something??? WHAT DID YOU DO????
When you鈥檙e born, they don鈥檛 tell you about challenges you鈥檒l face or friends you鈥檒l make. You鈥檙e a baby for chrissakes; it鈥檇 be stupid.
I stuck a “Baby On Board” sign on my minivan to warn the other drivers how fussy and tantrum-y I get when traffic’s bad or I miss my nap.
My daughter has so many outfit changes I shoulda named her Lady Gaga.
I just cleaned out the change at the bottom of my purse and now I have an extra $17,000.
My mispronunciation of French words is a touch茅 subject.
Just gave this idiot a thumbs up for cutting me off, and I think I might not understand road rage.
[First ever Snail Olympics that started 350 million years ago]
Millennial snail announcer: oh shit here they come
What I did to that ice cream is illegal is some states.
of course you were in it i told you it was a nightmare
coroner: his stomach was completely filled with guacamole
detective: and that’s what killed him?
coroner: [looks at detective then at the axe in my skull then back at detective] no
My wife and did it twice yesterday and we didn’t use any protection… I’m worried we might have twins.
Stop acting like you’ve never seen someone with a pocket full of chicken nuggets before 馃檮
Fwiw it’s worth I’ve never assumed that Popeye was human, I believe he is a weird shaved animal that sorta-talks ?
“..so that’s the story of Christmas. Questions?”
Where do turtledoves come from?
“Well, when a turtle and a dove really love each other..”
12yo wants to stay home from school because her foot hurts, like that鈥檚 a legit excuse that I didn鈥檛 use on my own parents to try to get out of school.
Me:
3yo:
Me:
3yo:
Me: well?
3yo: the DVD player is not for waffles
Me: the DVD player is NOT FOR WAFFLES
Mr. & Mrs. Darling were unreasonably upset about Peter Pan taking Wendy considering they went out leaving a dog in a hat in charge.
NEIGHBOR: What’s up?
ME {stacking crates}: I’ve enough donuts to last a month
NEIGHBOR: So all ready for the hurricane?
ME: The what now?
Me: You鈥檙e not allowed on the couch.
Dog: Oh yah? Well you鈥檙e not allowed to scratch my head!
Me:
Dog:
Me: Didn鈥檛 think that through, did you?
Dog: Not really, no.
My excitement about your Indian food is largely dependent on your pronunciation of “cumin”.