“Michael just bought a popcorn popper. You know what he probably wants to buy next? *Another* popcorn popper.”
-Amazon suggestions logic
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a joke attributed to nasreddin, a medieval turkish humorist
Trainer: Did you know that you burn approx 80 calories per hour while sleeping?
Me: Really? [curls up on weight bench] Wake me up in 2025.
Me: *wakes up to pee at 4:30*
My brain: Oh good, you’re awake!
Bury me with my old records. It will be my vinyl resting place.
‘Your legs, your thighs, they got me hypnotized’
~me talking to my KFC
Just saved two ants from drowning in the pool, so I assume they’re rushing back to their colony to tell everyone they were lifted to safety by the giant hand of god.
I don’t think there’s anything going on with Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce. I think she went to the game for the same reason any of us do, hoping that they’ll run out of players and the coach will see us in the stands and be like “call me crazy, but this might just work”.
Kid: Can we pleeease stop for ice cream?
Mom: What did I just say?!?
Kid: Don’t you remember?
I hate commas its not my job to tell you when you breathe work it out youre a grown adult
Boss made me put a nametag over my left bosom. I leaned over and said, “Now, what shall we name the other one?”
I can’t remember if Moses was DC or Marvel
“you are strong. you are smart,” i whisper to myself as i struggle to figure out whether to push or pull on a door
I personally endorse our president going to war with North Korea. Not our military of course, just the president.
Me: *Living in the US for 16 years*
Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*
Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?
Oh. My. God.
Wanna feel old? This is Calvin and Hobbes now
I like how your profile picture is you at your wedding, so are you like a professional bride
Her: So, what is your major?
Him: I study forensics.
Her: Dude, that’s just 10!
I can’t find my scrabble set and I’m honestly lost for words.
There really should be more social media sites that pit our closest friends against each other to make our top 8.
People like Bubba Gump Shrimp Co. How about more movie character restaurants? I have some suggestions:
Samwise’s Lord of the Wings
Tyler Durden’s Chowder House
Goose’s Gastropub (tagline: We feel the need… the need to feed!)
Short Round’s Tempura of Doom
Hannibal’s
I was so proud when the AC repair guy came and the AC continued to not function in front of him.
Now that he’s back, Trump’s tweeting again which begs the question, does the Pres of the United States not have an international data plan?
Just a reminder that a Cheesecake Factory menu counts as summer reading for your kids.
saying goodnight to the group chat only to go to the other group chat with 27 of the same people
[thanksgiving dinner]
mom: no politics tonight
everyone: absolutely
me: this casserole reminds me of the bolshevik revolution
I’m having trouble perfecting my dating profile
My husband isn’t helping with the wording as much as I’d hoped
[Commercial for hobbies]
Like drugs for people who don’t do drugs.
“HOBBIES”
Just go ahead and put “She always had to pee” on my tombstone, because that’s how everyone’s going to remember me.
The me who had a cocktail and then signed up to bake 200 holiday cookies, chaperone the field trip, and decorate the classroom door, and the me who has to actually do all that this week are two very different people.