“Michael just bought a popcorn popper. You know what he probably wants to buy next? *Another* popcorn popper.”
-Amazon suggestions logic
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It’s perfectly normal to shave your legs just from the top of your boots to the hem of your dress, right?
Ladies,
Please stop answering our questions with “yes, of course”. All you’re doing is forcing us to nod our heads like we knew that.
Men
[fast food management]
“All dipping sauces go into a plastic container.”
“What about ketchup?”
“Use a tiny pouch impossible to open without getting half of it on your fingers.”
GENIE: you have three wishes.
ME: sweet, I wish for pie.
GENIE: okay, whatever, you have 3.14 wishes.
aliens are gonna be super confused when they show up threatening to overthrow our leaders and we’re all stoked and offer to help.
Everything at the mini mart is normal-sized and I feel so betrayed.
Women! You will no doubt have been gifted, over the years, approximately 15,000 gift soaps as panic-buy last-minute presents over the years.
Guilt will have compelled you to keep them all, rendering one drawer an overwhelming grotto of bergamot and lavender. Now is your moment.
me: if you love someone set them free
boss: you’re a corrections officer. you’re not supposed to fall in love with the prisoners
me (releasing my 10th prisoner of the day): my bad
Haha, murder? No officer, I just wanted to see what would happen if I planted a human
Now is the perfect time to openly dig any graves you may need for the coming year and call it halloween decor.
ME: Doctor, doctor. I think I’m a pair of curtains.
DOC: Pull yourself together!
*both laughing*
DOC: But seriously, I’m gonna refer you to a therapist cos that shit ain’t right.
I pick up my dog’s poop with empty Snickers wrappers. What I do with it afterwards is strictly on a need-to-know basis.
Me: The enemy launched a missile, sir
Sargeant: What’s the point of impact?
Me: Because otherwise there’s no boom, sir
*first day as a detective*
Partner: Three sets of prints, but only one body
Me: *nods* Yes. That means there’s *counts on fingers* more people that aren’t dead
i’m left-handed but sometimes i like to switch hands and do things with my right hand just to see what it’s like to work like a robot
it’s finally my moment to shine
Didn’t realize my teen was annoyed with me until she ordered a Coke at lunch even though we’re a Pepsi family.
What’s faster than the speed of light?
A female untagging herself from an unflattering photo.
I’m a barista which means I have 100 boyfriends and everyday they each give me one dollar
me: wow you must be pretty hoarse
dracula: why would I be hoarse
me: from all that coffin lmao
Trevor eventually flunked out of dentistry school
Before you tell a woman her makeup is askew, be sure she’s actually wearing makeup.
[firing torpedo from submarine]
torpedo: but I don’t know how to do anything else
person walking by my house:
my dog: I’ve killed people for less
You people are tweeting a lot about this eclipse for people who claim to never go outside
secret recipe
Just saw two homeless men hitting each other with pieces of cardboard. Pillow fight!!
It’s polite to hold a door open for a woman, but no one specified by how much
The evening ended rather abruptly after the following exchange:
Her: And here is a picture of me at 20.
Me: OMG what happened?!
HELLO POLICE, MY SON JUST TAUGHT CUT TO A LEGENDARY POKEMON I WANT HIM TRIED AS AN ADULT