@adult_keverage: Michael Phelps & I have a combined 19 gold medals & 4 DUI's.
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@aka_fatman: "My wife and I are SO in love. Always finishing each other's..." (silence) (silence) *Russian accent* "You give me Green Card now, yes?"
@jwalkonthemoon: I'm not normally a name-dropper but Tiger Woods asked me to start his car in the dream I just had.
@iAmDelFreaky: I just opened an Easy Bake Oven restaurant. Please call your order in, 17 hours prior to your arrival.
@craiguito: If your partner says "if anything happens to me, I want you to meet someone new," "anything" doesn't include getting stuck in a traffic jam