Michael Phelps just won another gold medal for taking the quickest bath.
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No, I’m not proud to be eating Cheetos with chopsticks but I’m knitting so I do feel kinda smart.
This a good idea
cat: *rolls over on back* pet my belly
me: no i know this is a trap
cat:
me:
cat:
me: fine *goes to pet belly*
cat: *claws & bites my hand* hahah have some scratches, as a treat you stupid idiot
Me: This is my parrot. I call him a repeat offender!
Date: Haha because you say something and he says it back to you
Me: He’s murdered 7 people
I want to learn scuba diving but I’m terrified of the orchestral music in underwater documentaries.
I’m 99% sure the plane Harrison Ford was in is from the Amelia Earhart exhibit at the Smithsonian.
I swear we are fighting two pandemics
Covid 19 and Stupidity
YouTube is a dangerous place for kids. There’s a lot of filthy stuff they could stumble upon like videos on how to make slime
Airport security asked me if I’ve seen anything unusual…I just paid $18 for a coke & a ham sandwich…Let’s start with that.
Kid: Daddy can I give some of my candy to that duck?
Me: No, ducks only eat things they find in nature, like bread.
Can’t I have to change my underwear cause I blew my nose too hard
If you come to my house and see a coffee cup upside down on the floor, just be my hero and put the spider outside please.
Okay, raise your hand if you put raisins in your oatmeal cookies.
Great. Now, make a fist with that hand & punch yourself in the face.
I just ate dinner. At 4pm. I am SO prepared for my 74th birthday
I accidentally put my yoga pants on backwards this morning; and I’m absolutely horrified to say, they’ve never fit better.
[on a date at butterfly conservatory] they serve the best wings here
Lost my car keys so I’m forcing the guy at Home Depot to make me new ones based on what I remember about them.
(Gamblers Anonymous meeting)
Leader: Bob, tell us why you’re here.
Me: $20 it’s a Blackjack addiction.
Group: *all rushing to place bets*
You wouldn’t believe all of the Easter eggs I just found lying in the grass outside of this preschool.
If you’re having second thoughts, you’re 2 ahead of most people.
A pregnant lady, except it’s me smuggling king sized candy into the movies for 6 kids and saving $278.
“Wait, let me explain..”
Gandhi fasted for weeks and remained peaceful. I go three hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
13: I found a baggie of pot.
M: *takes it* Thank you, bringing it to an adult was the right thing to do. Now go outside and play for 3 hrs.
Me: Have you ever tasted cat food?
Interviewer: No, I meant questions about the job.
My neighbors listen to really good music… Whether they like it or not.
My kid keeps asking if we can buy school merch, and sir you are 7 and that is a t-shirt
the most efective way to clean ur room, start a creative project, run errands, cook, brush ur teeth and take a shower is to study for a exam
I was pretty sure you were the wrong kind of crazy. Then you used “luckfully” in a tweet and removed all doubt.
I don’t take Advil when I get my period. I need to feel all the not pregnant.