Michael Phelps just won another gold medal for taking the quickest bath.
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me: i swear officer, i can even say the alphabet backwards
cop: not really relevant to this murder investigation but ok
[at stadium with child]
Me: That is batball.
[at the races]
Me: That is horse circles.
[at the opera]
Me: This is horned yodeling.
I can eat Rice Krispy Treats for breakfast, because I’m an adult!
But hiding in the bathroom, because I’m a mom.
I don’t know who put chairs in the elevator, but that’s a kind of laziness that I can respect.
Einstein was wrong. The real definition of insanity is trying to clean your house when you have children.
“You tell Marcy that she can ask someone else to bring snacks to book club next time if it’s going to take three weeks for me to get my dish back.”
[Police sketch artist job interview]
“How am I not qualified?”
Your resume is a stick figure and a poorly drawn igloo
“It’s a cat actually”
Imagine your card declining at a bar and they squeeze all the alcohol out of you like a lemon
My 4yo saw a squirrel eating an apple and asked if he could eat an apple. So now I’m feeding the squirrel organic carrots and broccoli.
[leaving HS reunion w/ date]
Aren’t you going to ask why everybody was calling me ‘smelly boy’ tonight?
“Seemed pretty clear I thought”
I get it, Kevin McCallister. I, too, sometimes wish my family would disappear and leave me home alone with my own cheese pizza.
I accidentally swallowed some food coloring.
The doctor says I’m okay, but I feel like I’ve dyed a little inside.
Her: What’s your fantasy?
Me: It involves peanut butter…
Her: Mmmm. Where would you like me to put it?
Me: *hands her bread*
pinnochio trying to win a 40 yard dash by lying as fast as he can at the end
As a reward for graduating high school, please accept this basket of live cobras.
*sees dead squirrel on the road*
Oh, poor squirrel.
*realizes it’s just a sock*
*whispers*
poor sock
Date: so you’re a handyman?
Me: no I just do odd jobs
Date: like what
Me: yesterday I taught a duck karate
Tell the Starbucks barista that your name is Voldemort. Watch for those who don’t flinch when the name is called. They will be your allies.
I’d date me.
But mainly because I put out.
I’ve been eating healthy, so it’s not the best time to confront me on something trivial.
“I’m down for whatever,” I say, before falling asleep.
I didn’t want to overwhelm my kids with rules, so when they cross the road, they only have to look one way
I’ve been misusing the term “sunk cost fallacy” for years but it’s too late to stop now.
Diet, Day 14:
I hate everyone. My children are scared of me & I’ve repelled everyone else.
But I’m starting to really like pears.
*Bites lower lip*
“So this is an abduction then?”
Cop: “Stop that. You’re under arrest.”
911: 911, What’s your emergency?
Me: It’s John again.
911: John, seriously!!!
Me: I know. I know. Just an ambulance if possible. No cops.
A guy on TV opened a bag of chips and my dog came running into the living room thinking it was me so now she’s playing with a ball she found and is acting like that’s what she wanted all along
She was rare. Like a rap collab in a pop song that made sense.
“Kill Bill” but it’s me hunting down whoever stole my sandwich from the break room fridge.
“Treat Others the Way You Want to be Treated”
*Buys everyone snacks