Michaelangelo: Yea, sure, I’ll paint your ceiling.
*To himself*
Errybody gon be naked tho.
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I wish the guy who made the vacuum cord would chat with the guys that make phone chargers.
My fish makes so much noise during the night that I wake up six times a night to ask him if we are fighting
*completely destroys wrapping paper by trying to swiftly glide the scissors to cut it*
bank robber: EVERYBODY BE COOL
me: [exists]
bank robber: WHAT DID I JUST SAY
Army barbers get paid to shave their privates.
Son: mom, you wanna dance with me?
Me, who has no rhythm: *dances*
Son: maybe you can just watch me instead.
I made HUGE surprise plans for my wife’s birthday tonight–dinner, dancing, champagne, the works–but the babysitter just cancelled & now we can’t do anything!
Did that sound believable to you guys? If you were my wife would you suspect, hypothetically, that I didn’t make plans?
99% of my socks are single. You don’t see them crying about it.
wife: please be nice to my sister-in-law.
me: i’ll treat her like my own blood.
sister-in-law: hey guys.
me: [screams and passes out]
[in hell]
ME: *sitting down in auditorium* this doesn’t seem so bad
SATAN: *on stage* hi everyone, before I begin my interactive performance—
ME: ugh
SATAN: —I’d like everyone to move down to the first three rows
ME: UGH
MTV canceled Teen Mom, so it’s like they had those babies for nothing.
I was going to fake my own death but I didn’t want to have to start a new Twitter account from scratch.
A model train set is the male equivalent of 25 cats.
“Am I the only one who-?”
There are over 7 billion people on earth. No. No you’re not the only one.
ME: I want a koi swimming downstream
TATTOO ARTIST: Ah yes. That’s very symbolic. You must be very spiritual?
ME: Ya ha. Also, put a pop-tart in its mouth
I’m gonna get a tattoo of me getting a tattoo of me getting a tattoo. Inkception.
*yells from space*
Did you kill that spider?!
My daily affirmation before work goes something like this: “I enjoy receiving a paycheck.”
If Russia prepares for war the way it prepares for the Olympics then we have nothing to worry about.
Two wolves ? more like a hyena carcass and a dust bunny.
A friend of ours directed a horror movie that’s doing very well, but when he tried to get certain actors to be in it, they refused.
Now he’s sending them emails with the box office receipts and streaming numbers, with the message “Remember when you wouldn’t be in my movie?” 🎃
babe can i sit under your desk and distract you with my mouth while you work? *starts chewing electrical cords*
I love how my husband cuts all the bearded dragon’s food up into itty bitty pieces, like that’s how he finds it in the wild.
[take your kid to work day]
COWORKER: is this your son steven?
ME: actually it’s stephen
COWORKER: oh okay. how old is he?
ME: sephen
Him: Toast me some bread please?
Me *raising wine glass
Here’s to bread!
Dear 6-year-old me: As an adult you won’t need to know cursive but you will need an ability to type with your thumbs. The future is weird.
he died doing what he loved: trying to put socks on with wet feet while standing next to a cliff
You say tomato soup. I say ketchup soup. Cause the three year old won’t eat tomato soup.