the funniest thing i’ve ever said was on april 11th 2009 to my dad’s cat and no one else was around to hear it. a car horn honked and he hopped off my bed and ran downstairs and i said “oh shit is your ride here” and laughed alone to myself for like five minutes straight
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When my in-laws kindly told me to treat them as if they were my own family I graciously obliged.
I don’t speak to my own family either.
“Tell them I said hi” is the ideal amount of effort
Sometimes my 5yo asks profound questions and other times he asks me if our garbage bin is big enough to fit a whole cow
Wonder what happens when you have a viral tweet, like your phone makes slot machine noises or what
The beastie boys didn’t prepare me for all of the rights we actually have to fight for.
I thought my Monday couldn’t get any worse but then Linda from HR said I can’t *make* people in the office call me Stingray.
[Afterlife]
“I died in WW2 fighting nazis”
“I died in Syria fighting terrorists”
Me: (confidently) you guys heard of the tide pod challenge?
[my kid, literally every school morning]
“I hate mornings. I’m not getting up”[1st day of summer vacation]
“dad, can we watch the sunrise”
Me: *drops mic*
Mic’s parents: OUR BABY!
Just dropped my youngest off at a park to go play with some friends and now my wife is texting me all these questions I don’t know the answers to like “Was another parent there” and “how long will she be there” and “which park” and “why can’t you remember which park”
‘A confident swipe of the debit card’ is my favorite fantasy.
I’ve watched enough Dexter to know if he’s lying about one thing he might also be lying about a lot of other things and secretly a serial killer.
Was asked to work on a team project. Seems “I’d rather give a rabid mountain lion a prostate exam” was not the answer they were looking for.
Trying to figure out the exact number of food pieces that need to be in water to make it go from being gross to being soup.
“I wouldn’t.”
My tombstone will read I should have googled it first.
Me, responding to an urgent email on Monday morning that I definitely saw on Friday at 4 PM
Can’t wait for Daylight Saving Time to end this weekend so the clock in my car will have the correct time.
[holding a playstation controller while i watch Friends and pretending i’m controlling chandler]
“I just love a man in uniform”
~ drunk me, to my garden gnomes
[trying to make friends as an adult]
May I interest you in tolerating me for a moment
one time for the fourth of july my dad pushed a volkswagen van filled with pop rocks into a motel pool filled with rc cola & recreated the blast that killed the dinosaurs
My 5-year-old has been digging around in my hair on the back of my head lately and today he finally confessed he’s been “lookin for the eyes.”
“What kind of sick game are you playing, Karen?”
Get in loser, we are going dumpster diving.
What do you mean your dog doesn’t have a middle name. How does he know when you’re angry.
Where’s the hole?
*feels for it*
*tries to stick it in*
*misses*
Damn it! Wrong hole.
*fingers it*
*slides it in*– Me, plugging in my charger in the dark.
“I detest drama!” I declare with a flourish of my cape, and the back of my hand over my forehead.
ohhhhh my GOD I just told the dog “hey we’ll go for a walk once the baby’s awake, okay?”
and she looked at me, ran upstairs, stuck her head in the nursery, and HOWLED
Nature show: pythons can grow over 20 feet
Me: they’re gonna need so many shoes