Michelle Obama should have dropped the mic and moonwalked out.
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shit just got real
Nobody:
Mime:
Mute person:
Fight club member:
Parrot:
Torturer who just boldly claimed he had ways of making people talk: oh no
On one hand, I’m intrigued by witchcraft. On the other hand, it seems like it involves a lot of chopping and cooking.
When a woman has her husband’s last name, my first assumption is that they got married in their 20s. I feel like by your 30s, you’ve absolutely maxed out on paperwork.
Me: *seductively spreading peanut butter on my chest
Sir, you’re going to have to leave.
Me: *reluctantly gets off treadmill
Me: What do mathematicians and marine biologists have in common?
Wife: Oh god
Me: They study algae, brah!
Judge: Divorce granted
DNA doesn’t make you a parent. Stepping on a lego guy on your way to the bathroom at 3 am does
What if balloons take over and start twisting us into animal shapes?
uber driver heard me singing along and changed the station…
Autocorrect changed ‘flash’ to ‘flask’.
Why yes, I’ll have one flask flood emergency.
Me: we should name our firstborn son Blake
Her: but he’s been named Jeff for 24 years now
I only have one sex toy. 7 if you search my house and get creative.
If I’m suddenly acting really nice to you, chances are it’s only because I want what you’re eating.
We HAVE to stop North Korea! They’re led by a pampered, delusional, vengeful fat rich guy with stupid hair and access to nuclear weap- oh.
Woke up this morning after a hard night of boozing, stepped on the scale and I lost 3 pounds.
There ya have it. Dignity weighs 3 pounds.
Friend: I love your gray eyeshadow!
Me: I’m not wearing eyeshadow.
I CALL BULLSHIT
Let’s hear some tropes in TV/movies that are complete bullshit. I’ll start:
Dude making dinner produces a gourmet-looking dish, has a neatly folded hand towel thrown over his shoulder, and is wearing an *immaculate* white dress shirt. BULLSHIT!
So you’re telling me that the Portuguese women’s football team aren’t known as Portugals?
She died as she lived—cursing while stirring a jar of natural peanut butter.
15 just called The Beastie Boys old people music so it looks like we’re gonna be empty nesters a few years ahead of schedule
WIFE: The police are at the front door
ME: *hiding a bag of donuts* Do they look mad?
keep scrolling I’ve got nothing.
All we want is to get laid and for no one to touch our cell phones.
Cheer up everybody, only 8 more days until the weekend.
SCARECROW WIFE: Did you pick up milk?
SCARECROW:Oh I forgot
SCARECROW WIFE: You’d forget your brain if…
SCARECROW: If what Hayley?…Say it
Don’t flatter yourself, any type of milkshake brings me to the yard.
Whenever I read the phrase “We’ve changed our privacy policy,” I just shrug and assume they already have pictures of me on the toilet.
Guys, check out this cool trick I learned. Take your upper lip and make it touch your lower lip. Now keep them like that.
I thanked my husband for favoriting one of my tweets and he said: ‘Ya that was an accident.’