Strong people don’t put others down. They lift them up.
And throw them.
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Me (being murdered): hey I need to switch the laundry
Murderer (stops stabbing): oh dang you don’t want that stuff sitting in the washer
Babies look like old men. I told my newborn niece she was my sweet schmoopie angel and she told me to get off her lawn.
Meeting with a realtor to sell my moms house:
Realtor: What’s best about this area?
Mom: My sisters are close by.
Realtor: I meant, why would someone want to live here?
Mom: It’s better than being homeless.
Realtor:
Mom: And my sisters are really nice.
Somewhere there’s a bat that witnessed their parents murder who now dresses like a human.
“I only look sexy in contrast to a toilet” – People who bathroom selfie
The best time to start a family fight is now. It gets you out of buying relatives gifts.
“so she’s gay now?”
yeah she turned in all the paperwork last week and her acceptance letter came this morning, it was all pretty sudden
Breaking news:
I press my own doorbell to escape long-winded phone calls.
Watched Full House for not even a full minute & now I’m white with a credit score of 720
A couple of our wine glasses broke, and I bought slightly smaller ones to replace them.
I don’t think my wife has ever been this mad at me before.
I’m not going to bail you out is what my wife says every time I’m going to do something fun.
*1st date*
“Nothing’s sexier than a man who can surprise me & make me laugh”
*cut to me in her closet in a clown suit*
“Hellooo soulmate”
“Dad, you called me my brother’s name.”
I’m sorry *30 second pause* little dude.
Mispronouncing words is my Ukulele’s Heel.
I’m OK with people clapping when the plane lands IF they boo when it crashes
Of course I care about the environment. I spray air freshener every time I leave the restroom don’t I?
GOD: Okay so you’re super smart, this is the alphabet. You can use it—
DOLPHIN: What’s that one?
GOD: That’s an e.
DOLPHIN: I’m just gonna use that one.
GOD: But you—
DOLPHIN: Eeee-eeEEEeee. Like that.
I always act like I’m so much better than fantasy protagonists but lets be honest I would 100% touch the book of forbidden secrets, even if it did mean accidentally starting the war of the unclean and maybe also releasing the queen of spiders from her endless slumber
Just some repair guys and me at work right now. If a pizza delivery guy and a director show up, I’m leaving.
I’m gonna start cursing people out but with biblical phrases like I hope your crops wither and bear no fruit and the ravens eat your mustard seeds
‘money doesn’t buy happiness’ okay then give me all of yours
The only thing we have to fear is fear itself
AND
When a women asks if you notice anything different
The best things about being a liar are my insane body, perfect skin and being a billionaire
Why is it called an everything bagel and not a bagall.
*wrapping up business meeting with Kellogg’s*
Kellogg’s Exec: Great work. You’ve given us so many new ideas for cereals. We’ll totally pay you for this.
Me: No you won’t. I know all your…Trix.
Kellogg’s Exec: That’s General Mills.
Me: Leave the military out of this.
I’m terrible at balloon animals but pretty decent with balloon amoeba
My girlfriend just called a group of sheep ‘sheeps’ and now I can never be sure that she is legally capable of consenting to sex.
That blue kool-aid that barbers keep their combs in tastes funny.