I need better friends
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I gave up watching X-Files after realizing Mulder was NOT actually his own alien-abducted sister who was returned as a boy and was suppressing the memory.
I want to know where my horoscope got the outlandish confidence to say “Don’t worry about any dreams you have today, dreams don’t mean anything”
Accidentally got melted butter on some fried chicken and this is my delicious origin story.
VILLAIN: Hello, Mr. Bond. I’ve been expecting-
BOND: OMG congrats! How far along are you?
V: What? No-
B: Have you picked out a name yet?
*hires a group of teenage girls to giggle every time you walk by*
Not to brag but I can make my son angry just by asking, “how was your day?”
I get it Bryan Adams. It was the summer of 69, but what year?
Me: why aren’t you studying?
My kid: I didn’t see you coming.
A guy in California is marrying his cat making me realize there was a much cheaper way to be ignored and occasionally scratched.
*seductively mows lawn to Careless Whisper*
Him: Do you gamble?
Me: I don’t even sneeze without crossing my legs.
If you ever see me on my death bed, please take me off my death bed & move me to my alive bed thx
I parallel parked perfectly in front of my boys and now they think I’m possessed.
Me: *holding my dog* it’s his 3rd birthday so technically he’s 21
Bouncer: Still no
Standing in front of a mirror looking at my naked body and thinking… “I’m going to get thrown out of this Ikea pretty soon.”
When writing science fiction, always Google your made-up planet name; 9 times out of 10, it’s an existing yeast infection medication.
Eight maids a-milking
Seven swans a-swimming
Six geese a-laying
Five onion rings
Four calling birds
Three french hens
Two turtle doves, and
A partridge in a pear tree….Dwayne Johnson: Yup, that’s today’s meal prep done!
Hotels be like, it’s $150 a night and you’re staying 2 nights so that brings your total to $947.43.
If I hug you for more than 3 seconds, I’m probably picking your pockets.
I miss @ddrwg again. Here’s a link to one of my favorite tweets from Sonny.
62% of marriage conversation is just
spouses stating “I never said that.”
Them: Ma’am, we received your Aisles On-line order and we’re just calling to question what seems to be a discrepancy in your order.
Me: I did indeed order 30 packages of bacon if that’s what you’re referring to.
Mary: oh no my period is late
Joseph: oh no how late
Mary: I dunno, what’s the date
Joseph: hmm according to the calendar it’s 9 months BC
Mary: 9 months what now
GOLDFISH: hi dog
DOG: hi grayfish
GOLDFISH: hi dog
DOG: u said that already
GOLDFISH: said what
“Life is full of surprises,” I say as you open your shower curtain.
Praying for people who setup a 5PM work meeting on a Friday to be blessed with the most obnoxious kids
“snitches get stitches”
Me: *bleeding profusely* Hello, Cops? My brother stole Chapstick from CVS in 1997
Me: how do I get one of those singing groups?
Director: you mean a choir?
Me: *exasperated sigh* yes fine, how do I acquire one of those singing groups?
Wind chimes:
-loud
-only nice in theory
-secretly hated by allMe:
-wait
-oh no i’m wind chimes
Sex so good the neighbors make you sandwiches.