Give a girl a fish & she’s like “are u retarded?” Teach a girl to fish & she’s all “i only invited u to my party cause our moms are friends”
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[taking my date for a walk in the woods]
HER: this sure is a dense forest
ME [trying to impress]: yeah it’s dumb as hell
Brooks Brothers just filed for bankruptcy, so now I might never be able to use this $50 gift card on one sock.
A magic eraser, but for my bar tab.
Interviewer: I want to ask you a question, and your answer must be quick.
Me: Okay.
Interviewer: 12 + 37 = ?
Me: Quick
An excerpt from my self help book, “How to Get Rich Quick”
Chapter 1: Write a self help book about how to get rich quick
The End
dear diary
today i got to first base
it was a rebel base
i destroyed it
“You need to chill out, you’ve yelled at everything that isn’t a snack.”
–my 10 year old
FRIEND: Australia has 9 of the 10 world’s deadliest snakes
ME: OMG ONE ESCAPED?!
She wasn’t quite sure
Brad was a bit older
He seemed kind of shy
But she was much bolder
She asked him to dinner
“I’d love to” he told her
When she kissed him good night
Things started to smolder
But she ended it there
And gave the cold shoulder
When she got a ring
She’d be Anna
ugh he wants to go hiking as a first date, just like hitler
lawyer: juror number 4 why wouldn’t you be able to serve on this jury?
me: i have ice cream in my car, your excellency
What a website
Last night my 3 year old screamed “DON’T TAKE MY BANDAID OFF! I DO IT!” in her sleep, in case you were wondering what toddlers have nightmares about.
You know you’re getting old when you’re watching the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles and wondering if they get enough vitamin D.
person sitting next to me on a plane: [nervously] how often do planes crash
me: usually once
[ walking down the soap and detergent isle at the store ]
14: it smells like chores in here
“Yes Wiccan!” -inspirational witches
PLOT TWIST:
All microwaveable popcorn packages should be accompanied by dental floss
Polyamorous: in a relationship with more than one partner
Monopoly-amorous: plays board games with more than one group of friends
She’s a 10 which makes it hard for her to find decent shoes.
What did one ocean say to the other?
Nothing, it just waved.
Sea what I did there?
I’m shore you did.
Laugh, you son of a beach!
The real you is what happens when you walk into a surprise spider web.
Hickory dickory dock
I think that my soulmate’s a sockThe End
How about a bird that ruins people’s lives
-God creating roosters
Here me out, Jurassic Barbie.
“I’m a night owl”
All owls are night owls. You are a regular owl.
if you become a ghost, don’t limit yourself to haunting houses. be the first to haunt a jellyfish exhibit! make a tulip your home and startle a bee. haunt a ball of yarn, get knit into a sweater. remember: it’s your soul that’s eternally damned, NOT your sense of style
sir, my pâté if you please
SUPERVILLAIN: [thrusting kryptonite into my side]
ME: How did you discover my weakness? [gasping for air] I… hate… being… stabbed…