Mickey: ok but that’ll be $20 extra
Goofy: Done.
*Mickey puts on bow and heels*
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*stands on scale at doctor’s office*
*takes off coat*
*empties pockets*
*shaves eyebrows*
Mary had a little lamb.. And then she had a very large kebab.
Those who ignore the past are doomed to flunk their history test.
My husband made me a really romantic dinner once. When I finished cleaning the kitchen a week later, I warned him never to do anything like that to me ever again.
I did a bad I need to share
I broke a thing they can’t repair
I tried denial I tried despair
But settled on a vacant stare
[arriving in hell]
devil: all the pringles you can eat, but only with a knife and fork *evil laugh*
me: *starts eating*
devil: wait, how?
Not sure why I am thinking tonight about our elderly neighbor when I was 7, who had giant bountiful pear trees on his property. One day he stopped by unexpectedly with a bushel of pears, and after my mom, surprised and delighted, had thanked him, he handed her a bill for them.
i failed a piss test at work you guys. Yeah, I made a poop instead! Hahahaha
there are many humans in the household right now. and they all seem to have snacks. so i’m going to convince each and every one of them. that i have not eaten. in several weeks
A little Caesar’s pizza joke, eh?
Girl Scouts cookies went from $5 to $6 this year and I refuse to
ok I’ll buy 10 boxes
If you’re a grown man walkin around with a winter hat that has animal ears I can tell that @ some point people used 2 take your lunch money
My Fitbit is just a wristband that says “keep walking”.
8am: eats healthy breakfast
12pm: eats healthy lunch
6pm: eats healthy dinner11pm: rips open bag of chips with teeth & straps it on like a feedbag
Honk if you love Jesus. Text while driving if you’d like to meet Him.
I walked into a pub with my wife..
The Bartender asked: Would you like a drink for your wife?
I said That sounds like a fair swap
According to this box of cereal I am a family of 13 eating breakfast
Might quit my job and become a content creator and live off the royalties for the next 19 seconds.
My ex from highschool followed my new dog’s Instagram account and dm’ed her “I don’t like your mom” LMAO IM DYING
Thursday, 4:01pm
“Still there.”
“Yep.”
“Looks blue.”
“It certainly does.”
“Wet too.”
“Totally.”
“See you next week?”
“Count on it.”
“so what brings you to therapy today?”
GOOD COP: Here I brought you some tooth paste
BAD COP: Now drink this orange juice
If satan isn’t real then who invented 3rd grade recorder flute concerts
mike wazowski: *rubs lamp*
genie: *emerging* what’s your first wish?
mike wazowski: i want revenge on pixar for giving me one eye
genie: *looks at the lamp*
lamp: *jumps on the pixar’s i*
genie: i for an eye 🙂
Sleepless in Seattle starring Tom Honks and Meg Ryan (1993)
I’m so broke right now, I’m gonna have to be renamed, “McDonald’s ice cream machine”.
It’s always humbling when the dinner I had delivered comes with 2 sets of cutlery
I finally got some me time away from the kids. Two whole hours. It would’ve been longer but my legs went numb crouching behind the dryer.
If by swimmer’s body you mean one who swims mouth agape through infinite oceans of butterscotch pudding then yes, I have a swimmer’s body.