[Microsoft Outlook developer meeting]
“we need to tell users when their inbox is full”
how do we do that?
“we send them another email”
nice
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Once you’ve had a bug on you everything is a bug on you for the rest of the day.
Dietician: You are allowed one deviation per week, see you next week
Next week, me, *deviates from the route to the dietician’s office*
Retweeting a woman is basically saying “that’s what she said”
Each year over 40, one more part of your body becomes audible.
When the teacher told my 5yo that America was below Canada, my son thought that if you dug a hole deep enough in Canada you’d get to America
Don’t you hate it when some idiots won’t even go 5 mph over the speed limit in the left lane but then when you try to pass them all of a sudden they want to go 127 mph into the sun
I’m “by the time I find a gif, the conversation topic has changed” awkward in dm groups.
just got robbed by a bunch of girl scouts, well i wasn’t robbed but they did take all my money
Just a few more pieces of cake and I will be the world’s most sarcastic pillow.
Joan of Arc was great, but nothing compared to her sister, Joan of Circumference, who was a much more rounded person.
me: just because you’re paranoid doesn’t mean the illuminati haven’t targeted you and replaced all your workout gear with slightly smaller sizes to make you look like you haven’t been taking your diet seriously
personal trainer: *just glares*
God: NOAH.
Noah: Yes Lord?
God: Where are the land sharks, flying spiders and the jumping snakes?
Noah: Oh nooooo, did I forget those?
When I was a kid I was afraid to drink kool-aid because I didn’t want a giant hole in my wall that I had to explain to my mother, like, could you imagine?
when I was little, I always wanted to explore in my mom’s bedside table and she was horrified if I would even touch the drawer.
now I know it’s because that’s where women hide the good snacks
My neighbors act like they’ve never seen a grown man watering flowers in a speedo.
I just caught myself saying “oh this is a nice spatula” while shopping at Target & now I want to hit myself in the face with it.
Me: You better not be making a mess in that kitchen I just cleaned
My kids:
Growing up was a huge mistake
I’d get down on my knees and pitch my gardening skills but I don’t want to sell myself short.
Hockey fights are cool but imagine the make up sex afterwards in the locker room.
In Japanese, a cat sitting compactly with all its legs pulled in under its body is affectionately known as KŌBAKO-ZUWARI—or ‘sitting like an incense box’. The English equivalent is a CATLOAF.
jesus [resurrected from the dead]: alright boys let’s get them eggs
peter: w-what
jesus: egg hunt it’s a thing we’re doing now
john: are you ok
peter: jesus you seem a little… off
jesus: *turning chicken into marshmallow* you have to do this every year
FAKE BREEDS I’VE TOLD PEOPLE MY DOG IS AT THE DOG PARK: Venetian Dabney, Brown Feta, Waxbeard, Oxnard Pike, Blue Hustler, High Presbyterian
Cop: Is there a reason why you’re going so fast?
My 8 year old from the back seat: She said the flux capacitor won’t work unless you go 88mph!
iPhone 8 is like your ex coming back after a year saying they changed, you give them another a chance and realize they’re basically the same
scared to check what name she chose
INTERVIEWER: What would you say is your greatest weakness?
ME: Well, for starters, I’m unemployed.
[during sex]
her: hurt me
me: there’s only one season of firefly
Co-worker – Diet coke causes cancer.
Me – My grandfather died at 102.
CW- He used to drink diet coke?
Me – No, he minded his own business.
Someone forgot to tell my body that calories after midnight don’t count