[Microsoft Outlook developer meeting]
“we need to tell users when their inbox is full”
how do we do that?
“we send them another email”
nice
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Home is where the tap water doesn’t taste funny.
Can’t figure out why my allergies are so bad. I changed my med regimen, listened to my doctor’s advice, took my extra meds, bathed, rubbed my face on each of my four cats…
No more excuses…
…I’m canceling that gym membership.
Mom is flying into JFK during Friday rush hour. An ‘anonymous tip’ should allow me to pick her up at the TSA and avoid the terminals.
perfume should come with instructions
like on medicine: Dab LIGHTLY on pulse
points Do NOT marinade in event of
overdose take shower
I made a rabbit stew last night. My husband complained there was a hare in it.
Interviewer: Can you explain the gap in your CV?
Me: I spent 6 hours formatting it in Google Docs and you’ve opened it in Word.
well well well, if it isn’t the consequences (dying of the plague) of my own actions (putting a rat i found in an alley under my hat to help me cook hotdogs better)
When you wave your hand under automatic soap dispenser for 45 seconds and nothing, then it dispenses the minute you switch to the next one.
Prince Charming: check out the babe
Doc: oh that’s Snow White, she’s dead
Prince Charming: I should kiss her
Doc: do you really think that might bring her back to life?
Prince Charming: bring her what now?
Are you actually cleaning the house if you haven’t shouted at everyone in it?
If the Earth was really flat, all the cats would have pushed everything off it by now.
Danger is very dangerous
My hot flashes are so bad, I can defrost the freezer in the time it takes to choose a popsicle.
Just tossed my hair seductively and a chicken nugget fell out.
WAITER: how was everything
ME: [rubbing belly] so delicious. thank u
WAITER: great. please stop rubbing my belly
[1st date]
HER: My favorite movie is Zoolander, how bout u?
ME: OMG SAME
HER: What part’s ur fave?
ME: Um [sweating] when he lands a zoo
me: oooh is that a bowl of jelly beans on the table?
therapist: yes help yourself
me: [mouth already full of jelly beans] if I could do that I wouldn’t be here
me: do you guys still give lollipops after sticking in the needle?
drug dealer: what?
avoided the guys with the white uniforms and human sized nets again so yeah it was a decent day
“Every girl’s crazy ‘bout a sharp-dressed man” he hummed to himself while ironing his sleeveless tuxedo T-shirt.
Top Gun is a Christmas movie.
There is no tree and no Santa, but they do kill a goose
Me: you’re a coward
Tattooist: it’s just not possible to tattoo your whole body “denim”
5’s friend told him his mom makes play doh. Thanks Pinterest. I’m already expected to cook 3 meals a day, now I have to cook their toys too?
Computer: shutting down
Me: same
Nah nah nah nah nah nah nah nah…..
Jeff Bezos this morning:
“Alexa, end my marriage”
Them: are you sad because you eat or do you eat because you’re sad?
Me: *takes long, slow drag of egg roll* look kid…
[at urinal in restaurant bathroom]
Him: …
Me: …
Him: Do you come here often?
Me: No
Him: …
Me: I go into the stall for that
I hate showing my baby pictures because everyone says “you were so cute” but there’s always the unspoken but implied “what happened”