@cupcakelynda: Microsoft Word just suggested that I change "you're" to "you is" so yes, I am very very afraid of what the future of education holds.
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@XplodingUnicorn: 3-year-old: Can the baby come out to play? Pregnant wife: No, honey. She's not ready yet. 3-year-old: Wife: 3-year-old: Babies are lazy.
@mjkspeaks: [at ER] ME: my stomach hurts. DOC: have you been able to eat anything today? ME: yeah, like 75 pieces of pizza.
@SergioValenCo: ''You will die alone.'' I hate fortune cookies. Wait! This is a note from my mom!
@shanethevein: I'm sorry I punched you when you said "Facebook me". I thought you said "Face punch me".