Microwave broke and I had to cook on the stove like freaking Betty Rubble.
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I’m just saying, instead of calling it a “mule”, it would have made more sense to call it a honkey.
When an elevator stops on a floor and no one gets on or off, I always think ghost.
playing too much GTA. starting to see traffic as “options.”
I’ve lost my boyfriend! He’s in one of these browser tabs, somewhere.
accountant: do you have any dependents?
me: i’m illegally running several celebrity pet accounts on IG right now.
Garfield: I hate Mondays
Therapist: You don’t even have a job
All arrangements are edible if you’re hungry enough.
Found my door mat
“We’ve got to stop meeting like this,” I say to the neighbor’s cute golden retriever after climbing the fence to pet him.
Fun Fact: 100% of people don’t know what to do with a dirty dish at someone else’s house.
judge: do u plead innocent or guilty?
me: I do
My 6 year old came into the bathroom while I was using it to tell me she hates it when the dog comes into the bathroom when she’s using it.
[on a date]
me: *whispers to waiter as I slide a $5 across the table* I’m going to the restroom. Make sure he doesn’t touch my fries.
what if we kissed on the garfield couch
I’ve been trying to figure out why I overslept today. Just realized drunk me set my calculator for $7.30.
An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard and a German are sitting in a doctor’s waiting room, when a man in an obviously worried state enters and cries out, “I fear I’ve become invisible… Can you see me?”
And they respond; “Yes.” “Oui.” “Sí.” “Ja.”
Rule: If thou has a Macbook, thou shall always taketh photos of objects with the Macbook in the background.
My father was so strict that when he raised his voice, even the neighbors brushed their teeth and went to bed.
I made the cats a very scary jack o’lantern with a vacuum cleaner on it.
Take my advice, I’m not using it.
Me: I love my friends. Their interests? Incredible. Their tastes? Impeccable. I would die for them. If there’s a single thing they asked of me I literally could not possibly hesitate
Friend: Hey check out this cool song
Me: Haha cool maybe
I usually base my religious and political beliefs on flyers and pamphlets handed to me on the street.
Me: I need to go to the doctor but my car won’t start.
Mechanic: Did you try jumping it?
Me: Of course, how did you think I broke my legs?
I hate when people ask me if I’m all ready for Christmas. No Susan. I’m not even ready for today.
Me: So ducks quack, owls hoot, crows caw…what do you do?
Penguin: I’m a tax attorney.
Me: Ah. That explains the briefcase.
BREAKING NEWS: every movie & thing you like is delayed. There. Done.
[helping kid w/math]
What is 0.1 as a fraction?
“One tenth?”
Good, now what does 10% mean?
“Battery low, plug in your phone?”
Perfect
Baked beans are like regular beans except they can’t stop laughing, love munchies and sleep on your couch.