Microwave safe? It doesn’t seem like a sensible place to keep your valuables.
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Our new washing machine sends a text when wet laundry is ready for the dryer. I guess what I’m saying is this appliance is a snitch.
With literally no way of knowing if you were cursed by an evil witch as a baby, why would you take a spinning class?
HER: what are you doing?
ME:
*closes page
*deletes history
*performs factory reset
*throws phone against the wall
nothing why, what’s up?
From the looks of your eyebrows, your shock collar must have malfunctioned.
I may be small, but so is a grenade.
… and on the eighth day, Satan created teenagers.
The reason I don’t use Uber is any one of you could be a driver.
24 astronauts were born in Ohio. What is about your state that makes people want to flee the Earth?
me: so you’re just going to pack up my things? as if none of this meant anything to you??
grocery bagger: what
Is there a college degree for opening a new box of cereal in the pantry before the old box of the same brand is finished? If so, that’s going to be my daughter’s major.
Mike Pence getting booed at Hamilton is the worst thing to ever happen to a politician at a play
The person opposite me has a donut. I do not have a donut. That should be my donut. This person is now my arch nemesis.
Ted Mosby, in the year 2030, told the story of how he met his children’s mother and HE NEVER MENTIONED THE CORONAVIRUS ONCE
The worst thing about that mime stealing my woman was when he silently laughed at me
Middle schoolers are terrifying because they haven’t even discovered empathy yet. just a bunch of psychopaths struggling to learn long division
Society: Dance like no ones watching.
Also society: Records it for everyone to see.
Doc: This pill may cause:
Heart attack, stroke, minor weight gain, and deathMe: WOAH BACK UP, weight gain? I’m out.
When a cop gives you a ticket for speeding he won’t be impressed when you tell him “I do this all the time.”
I know this now.
*tucks an errant lock of my gynecologist’s hair behind her ear with my toes*
Fetty Wap’s full name is Fettuccine Wireless Application Protocol.
I wouldn’t know what to do with a member even if I caught one
[tinder date]
me: oh wow this is awkward
sunset: *just kinda sets there*
me: but i thought you were, you know
sunset: *still setting*
me: a shy woman who used a sunset pic as your profile photo and not uhhh
sunset: *fully sets behind the restaurant table edge*
[walks into Halloween party with a hot dog taped to my head]
“What are you supposed to be?”
ME: I’m not wearing a costume
A headline said the economy is showing signs of unexpected vigor so i’ll have what the economy is having please.
Cop: Ma’am, I pulled you over today because you were going 45 in a 35 mile zone.
Me: I’ve been driving 45 on this road for ten years and I’ve never gotten a ticket.
(Silence) You’re going to give me a ticket, aren’t you?
Cop: I kinda think I have to now.
Parents who have allowed your
8 yr olds to become spoiled brats …We’ll check back in 10 years to see
how that worked out for you.
If you’re a home repair guy a good business strategy is to follow guys home from Lowe’s after they buy a power washer and drop your business card in their mailbox.
Dang you got a good deal on your tattoo and the squirrel’s so realistic. What? A portrait of your Mom? Dude I wish my Mom was a squirrel.
[giving best man speech] can I say something without everybody getting mad
Hairdresser: How do you feel about a chin length hairstyle?
Me: That depends
Her: On?
Me: Which chin you’re going by.