[school]
Ok class, what was Abraham Lincoln most famous for doing? Billy?“Abolishing slavery.”
And…
“Slaying vampires.”
Very good.
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If you put on BBC news and told me it was Downton Abbey, I’d watch for like 20 min before I asked “For real, tho?”
Mermaid: I lay the eggs
Merman: and I fertilize them
Meredith: I’m Edith, I like to watch
I’ve never made it longer than 7 hours into a diet before my inner fat girl ate her way out.
My daughter asked if we can just pretend she’s being well behaved and tbh I think it might be easier for both of us
WIFE: He wanted me to lay these coins over his eyes at his funeral
FRIEND: Seems like a waste of chocolate
*performs CPR on the turkey*
Eddie’s only other nemesis is our standard poodle, Charlie. Eddie has hated Charlie since he was a pup who mocked Eddie by being faster than him (see video from 7 yrs ago). Since then, Eddie has chased Charlie relentlessly, although Charlie has no idea he’s being chased.
I walked briskly to the nearest safe haven as I was being chased by the hood on my jacket.
If you’re dating someone named Merle you’re required to call them your Merlefriend.
The older I get, the more my feet hurt. I guess it’s true… time wounds all heels.
cop: can you describe the intruder?
me: he had a toe ring
cop: he was bare foot?
me: no, he was wearing shoes, but I could just tell
The only difference between a psychiatrist and a drug dealer is that the drug dealer doesn’t make you wait an hour.
[new tattoo]
them: cool! what is it?
me: it’s an abstract depiction of beauty; the juxtaposition of the lyrical and the grotesque[after 50 people have asked]
them: what is it?
me: it’s a squirrel
It amazes me how the moon controls the tides from hundreds of thousands of miles away…
yet, it’s a struggle to get my kid to pick up toys from only a few feet away
Me: I found this in the fridge with your name on it. Are you gonna eat it?
CW: That’s my stapler
Me: You didn’t answer my question
Welcome to Twitter: it’s high school except we all have gray hair.
I accidentally texted my wife with voice recognition…while playing the trombone
Has anyone seen my gender reveal balloon?
I don’t always sleep well, but when I do, it’s 5mins before the alarm goes off
[The Lost World: Jurassic Park]
Ian Malcolm: Where you’re going is the only place on Earth where the geese chase you
Me: This guy doesn’t know shit about geese.
“You’re getting an MFA in English? Wasn’t your Bachelor’s useless enough for you?”
-second degree burn
Pro tip: Make sure your email to the HR lady doesn’t say she seems too busty to handle your issues
Squid Game, but it’s me giving my cat a bath.
Today my 2nd grader said “I won’t ride on the bus with my big brother again until I’m in 9th grade and he’s in 12th!” And I started blubbering immediately because, academically speaking, neither of these kids will make it to high school.
Me: why aren’t you eating your peas?
5: sometimes kids just don’t want peas, you wouldn’t understand
Today I made a lot of people at work upset by eating my burrito wrong so I figured… Why not spread the joy 🙃
*gets naked*
*gets baked*
*doesn’t get why they don’t rhyme*
I attend weddings purely to be fortunate enough to hear those two little words that always bring tears to my eyes – “open bar”
“Let me slip into something more comfortable”, I say with a wink then come back in twice as much clothing as before
My dog is always so happy to see me in the morning. I’m sure it’s 90% because I’m letting him out to pee but that other 10% is all me.