Son: I’m tired.
Dad: Hi Tired, I’m Dad.S:
D:S: You annoy me.
D: You annoy me.S: Oh, you’re copying me now?
D: Oh, you’re copying me now?S: Who is the parent here?
D: Who is the parent here?S: MOM! Come get your husband.
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it’s weird that the skin that holds in all the organs of our body can be opened with a sharp piece of paper seems like a huge design flaw
Ok but actually
harry: finding these “horcruxes” sounds hard
dumbledore: nah. youve destroyed some on accident and one “might” be you
harry: kinda anticlim..wait wh-
dumbledore: theres also 3 legendary items called the deathly hallows
harry: hell ya
dumbledore: one is your blankey
“Welcome to Fight Club,” said the man with the rock hard abs. I looked around, clutching my kite, becoming worried.
When Papa Roach sang “This is my last resort” he was on a disappointing vacation, and he’s avoided resorts ever since.
i wonder if the inventor of rotisserie chicken is turning in his grave
Yeah, I use She pronouns.
But not like a girl, like a boat.
Just realized my undies are on inside out .. Was gonna change them around . but I figured let the other side get sum action for a change .
A thief has come into my home, and taken all but one of my sticks of mozzarella cheese. Everyone, lock your doors!
I don’t download pirated music or movies anymore because I simply no longer know how.
Therapist: You need to stop doing weird things, going out might help
Me: I went to the park today
Therapist: There you go! I hope you got something from that
Me *opens coat* this duck
[hears baby crying]
Wife: can you go check on him
Me: there’s no way he’s finished in the bath already
I tried plant based mashed potatoes last night. It was really great – tasted like the real thing.
is this a warning or an offer?
The Award for Best Actor goes to my husband for his role in “I’m Not Sleeping. I’m Just Resting My Eyes.”
*throws penny in fountain for good luck
*penny seems upset and doesn’t want a second date
ME: What’s the capital of Germany?
SON: G
ME: So college is a no then?!
To the guy who just sent me a Snapchat of him putting his ketchup in the refrigerator, well done. You’ve made a powerful enemy.
[Elementary School sends out the “time to check lost and found for your child’s missing items” annual email…]
Me: Hello, U-haul…Me again…Imma need your biggest truck
My son is sitting next to me here playing some kinda shooting game and complaining about people using aimbots.
As someone who’s cleaned his bathroom I wish he’d use them too.
[robber pulls gun]
ME: take my money but please don’t hurt me i’m an only child
MY DAD: [yelling from the car] he’s lying he has a brother
If Optimus Prime led a Transformers symphony, would he be a semi conductor?
I just apologized for sending someone a text using shouty font because I couldn’t remember the term “all caps”.
My boss says that I have some exciting new assignments coming, whoa buddy, I will be the judge of that.
[Dragging 3 whining kids through mall] No thank you, mall kiosk employee, I’m not interested in trying “something amazing for my hair.”
Instead of racism or misogyny, why not hate the people who wear pyjamas and slippers to the airport?
Now I’m trying to see if I can hear the ocean
– me, as a gynecologist
*looks at phone to check the time
*watches TikTok videos for 4 hours
Me, watching you order just one pizza and there’s four of us: I guess you’re an optimist