MIDDLE EAST: How can we stop ISIS?
EUROPE: How can we save our economy?
AMERICA: What color is this dress?!
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Can’t we all just binge watch season 2022 and get it over with?
I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.
when you’re locked out of the house and you can see your keys sitting right there on the table
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Lego man: Is it because I’m block?
“This soup is fantastic, I’ll have another please.”
Bartender: “Ma’am, that’s a martini”
Romance isn’t dead it’s just playing happily on a farm up north.
Me: I can’t seem to lose weight
CW: Have you tried cutting back on your sugar intake
Me:*stirring coffee with snickers bar* What do you mean
It’s legally required that you lose a frisbee onto the roof within one hour of purchase
I can’t wait till I have kids so I can drive slowly past McDonalds and tell them there’s food at home when they ask for some..
i know parents looking like their kids is obvious but the way reese witherspoon hit ctrl c + ctrl v on her daughter is mad
Good cop: frisks you
Bad cop: takes his time
Birthday sex is just having sex to celebrate your parents having sex.
I hope that boomerang I threw in 2009 is happy out there somewhere, maybe in a relationship with little boomerangs that don’t listen either.
Ok, but like, how married are you?
Son: Thanks for the dating advice
Her: HE gave you dating advice?
Me: Hey! I know a thing or two about women
Her: Name one
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her: Well?
Me: Give me a minute
The best thing about wearing socks all the time is being able to clean coffee spills without lifting a finger.
experienced cop: it’s ok kid, you get used to it
millennial rookie cop, retching near murder scene: the coffee you brought was not artisanal
If I had a dollar for every time I messed something up at work, I’d be salaried and at my current level of compensation
Neighbors across the street have their Christmas lights up, so I invited them to my Easter Egg hunt this afternoon.
Do hairy people get bed head all over?
Ma’am, I just called to see if you’re happy with your cell phone provider. But probably they do.
Another impossible beauty standard for women to live up to
30 seconds left on the microwave
~ Women:
set table, pour drinks, tweet, talk on the phone~ Men:
do the space shuttle countdown
Mom: Sorry, I won’t be able to come in today. My son’s got stuck in the washing machine.
Boss: Aw okay. Poor thing, how old is he?
Mom: 27
Will you be my 14th most used emoji?
The last 60+ Miss Universe pageant winners have been from earth I don’t know man, seems fixed.
Wife: We’re supposed to get 8-10 inches tonight. Me: That’s what she said. Wife: Can’t you do any better than that? Me: That’s what she said
dad: snapping a pic of your grandma in her coffin is weird
me: it’s socially acceptable these days
dad: just hurry up so we can put her back in the ground
“Daddy, how do you spell Budweiser?”
“Uhhh….why?”
“I’m drawing a picture of you for school.”
“Cool! It’s spelled G-A-T-O-R-A-D-E.”
[first day as an ambulance driver]
ME: *crashes into a light pole*
PARTNER: what the hell you’re not even in the vehicle yet
This is one heck of a thing to drop on me at 3:30 AM, Google.