Middle of the night In bed:
*Loud noise*
Wife – Did you hear that?
Me –
Wife – I said did you hear that?
Me (under the bed) – Yes
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I’m calling Facebook “Mom” now because all it does is tell me who from my high school is engaged and remind me about my cousins’ birthdays.
Death. Resurrection. Saviour. I believe in Robocop.
about 25 yrs ago there was a tornado warning in my town & my neighbor’s 4yo kid screamed “a tomato’s coming” but the tomato never came & i think about that to this day
Me: *being pulled from my smashed car by paramedics & put on a stretcher*
My mom: WAIT! *running up to the ambulance, out of breath* this never would’ve happened if you drank more water
90s scientists: we cloned a sheep! we landed a robot on mars!
scientists today: for the last time, the earth is *round*
I shaved my eyebrows off so I could become a successful poker player
Dropped ice in the kitchen?
Kick it under the fridge.Dropped a baby in the kitchen?
Kick it under the fridge.
Me *googling* are people who steal ducks called abducktors or kidquackers?
FBI agent monitoring me: *reaching for whiskey* Jesus Christ
My current wife doesn’t like my use of adjectives
Ratio should be pronounced like Daddio, which sounds like a really cool Rat.
I love how Men’s bathing suits sometimes have that tiny pocket where you can hold two quarters, just in case you’re paying to get on the Ferris Wheel in 1922
It must be hard to judge a wet t-shirt contest. I saw one recently and all the t-shirts looked equally wet.
The roadside sobriety tests are really getting tough … now you have to name all the Kardashians while folding a fitted sheet.
I pretend to the cashier lady to have two adorable children whenever I’m buying mom jeans.
Shout out to the top 5 drops in the world, gum, rain, eaves, shop ’til you and you could hear a pin.
DOCTOR: Your blood sugar is too high.
ME: That’s ridiculous!
*a hummingbird shivs me and starts sucking my nectar*
{abducted by aliens}
Hey guys…what’s your wi-fi password?
Well, I was having a good day until my son opened up his backpack & handed me a fundraiser envelope.
At a kids’ birthday party. With my kid.
He abandoned me and I don’t know how to talk to the parents
I know the birds that flew south for winter mad as hell right now.
😂😂😂😂😂😂
My grandfather told me that during the war he was exposed to irritants like pepper spray and mustard gas. Now he’s a seasoned vet.
This text is literally my relationship with my mother:
Look out. The Guest Who Wants to Help in the Kitchen has arrived. She is me and she does nothing well.
“Are you sure?”
“I’m sure.”
“You’ve tried all of them on?”
“This one.”
I am eternally grateful that Twitter doesn’t have an “is online now” indicator
you, an idiot: *eats a snack*
me, an intellectual: *snorts caviar*
Ahh, birds chirping outside my window.
*lets the cat out*
*goes back to sleep*
I love writing because it combines my two favorite hobbies: sitting and self-doubt.
Can we all agree that Batman’s parents had a severely underdeveloped sense of self preservation?