Middle of the night In bed:
*Loud noise*
Wife – Did you hear that?
Me –
Wife – I said did you hear that?
Me (under the bed) – Yes
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This is probably going to sound really gay, but the sunset is GORGEOUS right now and I love making out with dudes.
That moment when you hear a weird noise in the house and you’re so lazy you think “Meh, whatever. I had a good run.”
If you never include your body in your selfies, I am forced to assume that you don’t have one.
Carry on floating head selfie chick.
the most dangerous dog breed is probably the Crime Lab
oh you wanna fight?!
I had my year-end evaluation and it went like “You have great substantive legal skills, but you don’t come into the office enough and you don’t attend social events and you don’t regularly answer emails on weekends.” Yes, precisely.
Dear Facebook, it has come to our attention that some of you are posting new jokes. Please remember that all jokes must be submitted to twitter at least 3 years in advance
In a physio waiting room amongst athletes comparing their stories.
I can’t wait until my turn when I tell them I slept wrong on my pillow.
I’m leaving half to the dog for eating what I make & half to the Roomba for cleaning up when I tell it to. Forget the kids.
Nobody will know you’re stoned if you’re always stoned
[10,000 BC]
Primary cause of death: Eaten[Now]
Primary cause of death: Eating
girls don’t want boys, they want good hair days
me: want to go hunting this weekend?
friend: sure i’m game.
me: oh then you probably shouldn’t come.
Twitter dot com. *sigh*
Me: Achoo!
People trying to scare me: Boo!
My bladder: I hate October.
Cop: How much have you had to drink?
Me: 24 glasses of milk
Cop: Milk? Why were you driving so erratically?
Me: I was hoping I’d get pulled over so I could brag
Bae: come over
Me: I can’t, I’m hanging out with your parents.
Bae: my parents aren’t home.
Me: I know. I just… You never listen Susan.
If you ask him what he admires most about a woman and he says brains, you’ve got yourself a zombie.
Date: everything ok?
Me: yeah, sorry. I was just thinking about the death of my wife
Date: oh my gosh, I’m sorry. when was it?
Me: tonight if you play your cards right
Star Wars, but every character is Owen Wilson
*winks*
*shrugs*
*wiggles eyebrow*
*does jerk off motion*
*waves hands in the air like I just don’t care*
*does the hokey pokey*
*walks like an Egyptian**wonders why he didn’t ask for my number*
Me: *getting struck by lightning*
Kid: Mommy, can I have a snack?
9: Mommy can I have a treat?
Me: It’s close to bedtime so no
9: A tiny piece?
Me: No
9: A molecule? An atom?!
Me: I’m glad you’re paying attention in Science but no. Not even a quark or neutrino
9: Is that a donut?
Oh Magic 8-Ball, will anyone ever love me?
Judge: and how does the defendant plead
Lawyer: like this your honor *makes whiny voice *nooo I didn’t do any crimes*
Judge: HAH do it again
ME: You coming to the party?
FRIEND: Will it be rad?-
M: -ish.
F: I guess I’ll come.
[Later at the radish party]
F: I think I misunderstood
*replies to every political email asking for money with my own email asking for money*
train me.
no.
train me.
okay.
training montage.
the big fight.
i’m glad you trained me.
i’m glad i trained you.
#everyboxingmovie
my last girlfriend broke up wth me after she went through my phone and i refused to tell her why i searched for goth grandpas