[middle of the night]
Me: Wake up!
Wife: What?!
Me: I dreamt Dolores Umbridge banned my pig
Wife:
Me: But she couldn’t. It was HOGwarts
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I saw a dating profile that said “No felonies” but I am not sure if that meant her or me.
[introducing myself to new boyfriends parents]
“Hi, I usually don’t make it this far”
2019: Keto is a lifestyle
2020: Cheeto is a lifestyle
Why don’t they just get Jehovah’s Witnesses to deliver the mail?
crazy how anything you buy with a credit card you just get to have for free
My dad owned a convenience store when I was a kid and he would give me the keys to Ms. Pac-Man so I could play for free.
Let me tell you the drunk-with-power feeling that was for a 10 yr old pushing that credit button. I’ve been chasing that high ever since.
Is Yoda’s last name Lay-he-hoo?
Who called it a henhouse attendant …
and not a chicken tender ?
Ah yes. The three genders
*Meeting GF parents*
What are your intentions with our daughter?
Uh I need someone to sing the girl parts of Grease songs with me
Women! You will no doubt have been gifted, over the years, approximately 15,000 gift soaps as panic-buy last-minute presents over the years.
Guilt will have compelled you to keep them all, rendering one drawer an overwhelming grotto of bergamot and lavender. Now is your moment.
I opened this great self-care app.
It’s called “the fridge.”
Me: Who could that be? It’s 2:00 in the morning.
Her: I don’t know. Do burglars knock?
Me: It depends on how they were raised…
911: Ma’am the emails are coming from your garden! Get out of the yard now!! A botanist is on the way!
Spinach: *laughs maniacally*
Just once, I’d like to sleep as deeply as a cartoon sheriff whose keys are dangling seductively from his belt.
Web MD should go ahead and sell caskets.
Newsreader: “And now Tom with the weather.”
Weatherman: “It’s Tim, actually.”
Newsreader: “Sorry. And now Tom with the tim.”
I’d wager that @RudyGiuliani will not spend a moment in an actual courtroom in front of a judge. He will go around media outlets like Fox or OAN saying he has the evidence but will never present anything in an actual court of law.
7yo: I have a headache. Can you sit with me til I fall asleep?
Me: Sure, bud.
7yo: So when I die, will I come back?
Me: Now I see why you have a headache.
If you could have dinner with any person, living or dead what Arby’s would you go to?
me: excuse me where’s your restroom
salesman: it’s for customers only
me: [doing the pee dance] ok I will have one ford explorer please
no matter what the government says no one can stop you from eating the bugs you find in your garden
Just ONCE, I’d like took deep into your beautiful eyes, and make hot sweet love with you without some pop-up window ruining the mood.
i don’t give parenting advice bc i don’t have kids but i was at an engagement party once where a toddler was walking around drinking a bud light and i had to step in bc craft beers taste better.
My favorite Easter tradition is changing the subject when my mom calls and asks if I went to church.
Ain’t No Sunshine When She’s Gone(Absence of special lady creates cataclysmic world ending event)
I bet when the first guy wore glasses everybody was like “Oh la de da, excuse me Mr. I Need TWO Monocles.”
Unlike my male neighbor. I can water my lawn without standing there with my hands on my hips staring at my sprinklers.
Don’t mistake my kindness for weakness. I am both kind AND weak. I’d like you to recognize them individually.
20s: Sure, I’ll take the floor.
30s: The floor? No. But I’ll sleep on the couch.
40s: What thread count are your sheets?