[MIDNIGHT TRAIN STATION]
ME: one ticket, please
TICKET SALESMAN: sure, where to?
ME: *looks at camera* anywhere
TICKET SALESMAN: where tho
You Might Also Like
When your emotional bank account is empty you have “insufficient funs”
[petting stranger’s dog]
Me: what kind of dog is it?
Him: a hot dog please stop
WIFE: Don’t be scared of him. Tell your boss you quit.
ME: Ok, I will.
[later that day]
ME: I quit
BOSS: WHAT??
ME: I said, nice squid
[the middle of showering] I need a break
You never get a second chance to make a first impression…
…and so I bite.
I feel melancoll, meloncholl, melancholl, meloncholy, you know what, I’m good.
If it looks like I’m typing for five minutes I’m really just trying to spell diarrhea.
Grandma lied about girls being all over me once I got older
My favorite part of eating alone at this trendy restaurant was when the waitress asked if I had cats because I had cat hair, “all over.”
surgeon: scalpel.
me: careful, it’s sharp! haha
[everyone screams]
me: what? i held my breath for 2 mins during anesthesia to make that joke
“Today’s your day off, Mama. You don’t have to do anything for me. I’ll do everything except drive.”
– my 4yo eating the breakfast I made him, wearing the clothes I picked out, and getting ready to go to the store to buy craft supplies for his big idea
*my skills with compliments
5yo: You are a beautiful princess!
Me: And you are a… child.
“I raised you better than that!!!!” you very obviously did not
My wife asked me to name off all my sexual partners in order.
I should probably have stopped when I got to her name
Day new couch arrives: No more food or drinks on the couch, I’m serious!
1 week later: *Kids are eating pancakes directly off the cushions*
Less than two weeks until Canadian Thanksgiving.
Better start marinating the beaver.
If I have a son, he’s going to be named Alvin Simon Theodore, and it’ll be funny as hell whenever anyone gets mad and yells his full name.
I just ate a kid’s meal at McDonald’s. His mom tried to stop me but I’m too fast
A poster with a mugshot saying “Have you seen this man”
So I rang up and said No.
You have to do your bit for society .
Being a Jedi isn’t all bad.
I’ve been sitting around in my bathrobe for decades.
HER: [being led out in cuffs]
HIM: “Why is she being arrested?”
COP: “Fraud.”
HIM: “I don’t understand.”
COP: “She was faking it, sir.”
HER: “I’m so sorry, Stan.”
If you cut your goat in half you’ll have two goats, that’s just simple math.
Having a rough day? At least you’re not Courtney Love’s gynecologist.
One day I will peel open the plastic film on a yogurt container and not get sprayed in the face with yogurt juice. Today is not that day.
“MAKE GOOD CHOICES!!”, I screamed from inside the cop car
I’m eating the potato off my 3yr old’s French Fries because he doesn’t like potato, in case you wondered if parenting was right for you
Put some whiskey in my coffee because it’s Ireland somewhere.
The tornado siren was just going off here, but I think I can make it to the liquor store.
I hate restaurants where they won’t let you bring your own mariachi band.