i say she should just show up at they olympics and run anyway… who gonna catch her?
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[meeting]
DIRECTOR: I want amazing CGI
PRODUCER: Yes!
D: A huge cast
P: Agreed!
D: Realistic family photos
P: We don’t have the budget
Thinking about setting up Costco sample stations around the house to keep the kids busy and fed
IAN: Just how do fleas jump so high?
ME: Your guess is as good as mine
I: I reckon they wear tiny tiny Air Jordans
M: Ok I take that back
If you don’t have a dog whistle, you can use two teenage girls who have not seen each other in forever.
If your kids are getting on your nerves you can take them sledding and watch them face plant into the snow for a sense of justice.
me watching a commercial of golf balls getting flushed down a toilet: “wow. There is still so much about this sport I don’t know”
Stacy: Come over!
Me: Okay!
Stacy: My mom isn’t home.
Me: Nevermind.
Movie comes on while im in bed: ugh ive seen this a million times
Movie comes on before I have to get ready for work: oh hell yea a classic
Zooey Deschanel always looks like she’s been shown a card trick
Are you a guest? No, you aren’t. You live here. *takes away napkin and hands you a paper towel*
Thirty years ago, Jurassic Park gave me hope I might live long enough to see resurrected dinosaurs. The clock’s ticking.
My toddler just woke up and went to the pantry to get herself Doritos for breakfast.
Apparently she’s ready to be a teenager now.
You learn something new every day.
Except yesterday. Yesterday was a washout.
I’ve never seen a single Star Wars movie and I plan on keeping it that way simply because, the reaction I get when telling someone I’ve never seen them, is far more enjoyable than any movie I’ve ever seen.
I still remember where I was when I found out that a serving of hummus is two tablespoons. I was on my second container of hummus.
I don’t really argue with people. They just all end up washing ashore miles away under mysterious circumstances.
Had to change my work password twice today and I’m rapidly running out of Brendan Fraser movies.
It’s weird to think there was a time when the most data a tablet could hold was five commandments.
Nurse: Know your blood type?
Me: Type-O
N: That’s good!
M: Not really. Makes me spell everything wrong. ZING!
N: Get out
M: Fair enough
2020: Your package is on the way. It will arrive between Monday and Thursday of 2021.
Me, seeing five little monkeys jumping on the bed: *closes door*
My housemates are convinced our house is haunted.
I’ve lived here over
250 years and haven’t noticed anything strange.
I just got catcalled by a construction worker. He said “hey hEY HEY THAT CEMENT ISNT DRY YET” I’m tired of being harassed like this.
I pick up my dog’s poop with empty Snickers wrappers. What I do with it afterwards is strictly on a need-to-know basis.
*tosses incriminating letter into the fireplace*
ME: will someone please light a fire in this fireplace
Me: “Am I pretty?”
3-year-old daughter: “Boys aren’t pretty. They’re handsome.”
Me: “Am I handsome?”
3-year-old: “No.”
i was one of the palm trees waving around in the background of every 16 bit game in the 90’s so yes random guy you do know me from somewhere
People may question my parenting methods, but my kids have made it to 20 and 22 without becoming serial killers. Or, if they have, they’re super good at it. Either way.
Guy who treats establishing shots like people on here treat sex scenes. Rolls his eyes any time we see a building’s exterior. “The characters are inside. Why do we need to see what the house looks like from the street.” Loudly groans whenever someone pulls up somewhere in a car