Might get a Gatorade logo tattoo to symbolize my contempt for thirst.
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I don’t understand all the fuss about ChatGPT – I have teenagers who already know everything
guy who only knew jesus professionally: Honey, did you hear they CRUCIFIED our CARPENTER???
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: attention passengers is anyone here a doctor
PASSENGERS: sorry no
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: um ok then is anyone here a pilot
I just wanted five minutes to drink my coffee so I sent my kid in the other room to look for a toy that’s in my pocket.
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I just hit myself in the face with a hanger while putting clothes away. Zero ⭐️s. Do not recommend.
I told my 8yo to stop fighting with her sister, and she said “I’ll stop fighting with my sister when you stop fighting with yours.”
my daughter said “it’s cold, but it’s a beautiful day.” ppl w no bills are so positive.
For a moment I thought it was Saturday, but then I realized it’s actually Sunday. The good news is now I have a story to tell at parties
[skating together on a frozen pond]
Her: Isn’t this romantic?
Me: *sees a ‘danger thin ice’ sign, makes a beeline for it* hell yeah
[Gets caught shitting in my neighbour’s cat litter tray]
“WTF are you doing in my house?”
I..um, *rubs neck* ran over your cat 6 months ago.
The best part of being old for the holidays? Nobody bats an eye when you ‘randomly fall asleep’ in the middle of a conversation.
My forgiveness comes with the price of never forgetting.
I think that news channel only hired you as a weather forecaster so they could see you get hit by a stop sign in a hurricane.
Bear mace is like regular mace but you have to buy it at the maul…
Thank you for your time.
A movie where two people finally kiss and all their friends cheer in the background because just behind the kissing people two swans are fighting brutally
[time traveler returns home to 1881] guys i forgot to grab the cure for malaria but here’s some…DORITOS LOCOS TACOS [loud cheering]
Nurse: sorry for the wait
Mario: it’s ok, I’m a patient
Average person has sex 89 times a year.
These next two days are going to be wild
Miss Piggy’s karate skills are my favorite pork chops.
Happy mothers day to all the moms out there.
ME: Good morning
TODDLER: I don’t want to be a mermaid. I want to be a shark with legs.
Stop paying your bills and you’ll get the customer service you’re looking for.
Wanna stand off to the side of a golf gallery in a Teletubby costume
“Have you seen the cat, Sam?”
“The what now?”
My 9-year-old said I looked tired today and apparently becoming my mother has skipped a generation.
T-REX *runs past me*
ME: woah more like tyrannosaurush
T-REX *stops dead* ok you first. I’m gonna eat you first
Protip: Never underestimate the number of sticky notes on your desk when trying to appear busy at work.
I bet ducks would love bananas if they knew about bananas.
[Haunted house]
Cardiologist: my heart’s racing
Anaesthetist: i feel nothing
Neurologist: {shaking}
Immunologist: it’s so dusty
Pulmonologist: {breathing heavy}
Orthodontist: {grinding teeth}
Optometrist: see that?
Proctologist: guys…{from top, first letter of each occupation}
Raw eggs are great for a fitness diet.
If you don’t like the taste, just add sugar, flour, cocoa and baking powder and bake for 30 minutes.