migraine |my-grain|
noun
1 a recurrent severe headache
2 what a farmer shouts in disbelief after a terrible storm destroys his wheat field
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Me to me: I’m pretty garbage
Someone complimenting me: You’re so great
Me: You’re absolutely wrongSomeone insulting me: You suck
Me: Listen here you little shit I’m amazing
The cops are here, Uncle Dave. Last chance to peacefully return my nose
*the priest stops mid-sermon, takes off his glasses & rubs his eyes. his voice takes on a tone of resignation*
which one of you keeps prank calling me at three in the morning?
If you are looking for a relationship without all the baggage I suggest a layover.
If my partner didn’t want me to wear yoga pants because they make me too attractive to other men, I’d respect his wishes and take them off.
Who’s your best friend?
I always wanted to be on Family Feud but there were never 5 people in my family speaking to each other at one time.
Yes I am that gift that keeps on giving most people the finger.
My kids just connected worlds in Minecraft. So now they can fight in a virtual universe too.
If this guy doesn’t stop staring at my boobs, well then, I’m just gonna have to wear this shirt more often.
Teacher: what do you call an alligator in a vest
Nobody:
Me: An investigator
I’m sure there’ll be some making distasteful jokes about Williams’ death. How annoying for them that he would have thought of funnier ones.
I thought Match .com was a place to arrange fights to the death, but turns out it’s a website to find love. So I was close.
If you get on the train while people are still getting off, may your tea be forever cold
Me: I stay up late and tweet for AUSTRALIA! Wooooo!
Australia: no need to, we’re good
Sample lady: Would you like to try a chocolate chip cookie?
Me: You have to tell me if you’re a cop.
Hellocination: when you wave at someone thinking they waved at you, but they were waving to someone else.
Just saw Samuel L. Jackson order a couple of bagels. He paid for them and said thank you so basically now my whole life is ruined
dinner should come out of a hose in the kitchen at a specific time each day and it’s coming out whether you’re there to catch it or not
I tell my child, “10 minutes till bed!”
She hears me say, “Go put on a Halloween costume.”
Why?
My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
Just now on tube. Man in rush loses coat draped round shoulders in train doors. Woman retrieves it and calls out ‘Batman, your cape.’
Let’s join our hands together and pray for my husband who very tragically compared me to my mother.
Next time you take your dog for a walk, dress like a cop & pretend to be searching the neighborhood for drugs.
CONCERT
AC/DC: Who’s ready to be Thunderstruck?
CROWD: *screams
ME: [from front row] IT’S IMPOSSIBLE TO BE STRUCK BY THUNDER!
Natural selection at its finest
Apparently, the new iPhone 13 Pro Max will help you lose weight pretty quickly..
..
..
..Because once you buy it, you won’t be able to afford food for 3 months !!
Left the kids alone in a room with some styrofoam. One just yelled “it’s snowing” and the other started singing jingle bells. What have I done