Mike Huckabee calls Obama a “pretend Christian”, and if anyone’s an expert on “pretend Christians”, it’s Mike Huckabee.
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Today I did a task I have been dreading for about a month, it took 30 minutes and it was fine.
…. I have learned nothing.
villagers: BURN THE WITCH
me: you’re the reason your dad left
witch: omg
villagers [lowering torches] damn dude
Next week my wife and I are going to Chicago to celebrate our anniversary. If you are around, want to meet and catch up, please let me know so I can avoid you.
My wife and I will be sleeping.
Me: Do you like the new ceiling fan?
Her: Yeah, but the fan light is really dull.
Fan light: Ok wow like I’m right here
Dear burglar, I’m really sorry about all the mess getting in your way, I wasn’t expecting company
my husband pointed out that i “do a little shoulder dance” when i’m eating a good meal, and with a growing sense of horror, i consider the many amazing meals i’ve eaten with colleagues and bosses…
Nothing sexier than when a man pulls you close, looks deep into your eyes, and puts a Babybel in your mouth.
Sometimes my southern accent sneaks out. Like just today I meant to say “You all” and instead I had sex with my cousin.
I still remember taking down that bullying 12 year old on the playground like it was yesterday. My Dad was so proud. Ah, to be 30 again!
At a seminar. Cannot wait to drop someone during a trust fall.
We’re not supposed to bring snacks to meetings because they’re a distraction, but so far no one’s realized my mask is full of Doritos.
I’d rather see a guy with a machete walking towards me than someone with a clipboard.
my grandma has a secret tuna casserole recipe that involves a 911 call
OMG! How did you get all of those bruises?
Me: [flashback, crashing into dresser trying to zip skinny jeans] I slipped on the ice.
Sorry I missed your call earlier, I was sitting in my bed with my phone in my hand watching it ring
Sure kids cost roughly $14,000 annually, but think about all the money you save from no longer having a social life.
Cleanliness is next to Godliness because this is a small library.
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was taking my sports bra off.
Every time my parents buy my kids a loud toy, I submit their phone number to a mortgage refinancing company.
A horse covered in floaties gallops happily toward a swimmin pool.
He sees a sign “NO HORSEPLAY”
He lowers his head
“Ok”
& sadly trots away
Calm down penguins. You’re just a flashy suit and a few body parts away from being a platypus.
I got my husband to watch Game of Thrones with me by telling him “Just wait. There’s a good car chase comin’ up”
My biological clock is telling me it’s lunch time
Based on the sounds coming from my neighbors’ house, they’re either having amazing sex or putting together a dresser from Ikea.
“What do we want?”
“A compilation album!”
“What shall we call it?”
“Now!”
After months of trying, I finally have a runner’s body. His shoes too. Also a really nice pair of headphones & his Fitbit. He was in shape.
The secret to success is to surround yourself with people that don’t know you.
Whoever named them “sugar cookies” could’ve tried a little harder.
Apparently “naked” is not the answer when someone mad at you asked, how do you sleep at night?
I wore a training bra for years and these things still don’t listen to a word I say