Mike: Mom! We’re out of burrito paper!
Mom: Dammit Mike, they’re tortillas. You’re twenty six.
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genie: i will grant you any wish
me: i wish soup was spelled like soop
genie: [frowning] no
bank account: $1400
me to a girl scout: give me the thick mints
my kids teacher via zoom: division is multiplication backwards
me: (in distant background) holy shit.
What if we’re all misreading this photo and the lobsterwoman is so powerful that she’s actually summoning a lobster out of the ocean into the boat.
Burglars are getting very clever these days..
Last night, my wife woke me up..*Darling! Darling! There’s a burglar downstairs!!*
So I go down, check every room and don’t find anyone.
Then I realized I don’t have a wife and when I went back upstairs my bed and tv were gone.
Apparently you can’t just drop your ex off at the morgue just cause they are dead to you.
I hugged someone else’s mom at a park once and now mine won’t pick me up bc I smell like other mom now
[inventor of edible arrangements] sorry for your loss, but you look like you enjoy throwing fruit away
Please put away that scary photo, Tina.
That’s my X-ray.
I’m not sure what’s worse: the fact you dated a skeleton or that its name was Ray.
10:00pm
*gets a snack*
10:01pm
*turns on tv*
10:02pm
*glances at twitter for 8 seconds*
February
If I unfollow you, it’s because of the new follow button or because I don’t like you. Either way I am blaming the new button.
My kid just asked if ‘duct tape’ is short for ‘abduction tape’.
… we’re totally nailing this parenting thing.
doctor: have you thought about the diva cup?
me: listen i’m good but i don’t know that i could compete with other divas
Setting a dowry for my teenage daughter. So far I’ve got 2 dogs, 1 little sister and an ant farm. Act before midnight, I’ll toss in an iPad.
*after sex
No, you cannot sleep over.
Husband:
Setting my alarm for April Fools day so I remember not to trust my loved ones, and finally have a reason for it.
Do people with insomnia know about Coldplay?
As if it weren’t bad enough being stuck inside this increasingly failing meat chassis, why’s the calcium scaffolding gotta be weakening too?
Enrique:I can be your hero baby
Me:I’m good
E:I can kiss away your pain
Me:Nah
E:You can take my breath away
Me: *smothers him with pillow
“I’m giving you a bath, with or without you!”
(and other ridiculous things I say as a parent).
Birds are fed by their parents in their infancy. When the time comes to feed themselves, there can be some confusion when the food does not go into their mouth by itself.
Pfizer: Our new Covid vaccine needs to be stored at minus seventy degrees which will create logistics issues.
My wife: Would you like to use our bedroom?
My obituary: She died in the shower, dancing away from a spider that was really just black sock fuzz.
me: do you take walk-ins
morgue: what
When someone is trapped in a bear cave, offering to send more bears in is frowned upon. I know this now.
“Wanna go camping?” “No thanks, I have a house.”
Today my toddler whipped out the word “narc” so maybe it’s time to revisit the parental controls on our YouTube account
Chad Kroeger from Nickelback loves taking part in nativity plays. He has played Joseph, the Inn Keeper and even the back end of a donkey.
But he’s never made it as a wise man.
[mini golfing]
CADDIE: for the 12th hole in a row, ur putter sir
ME: thank u
DATE: why did u bring a caddie
If you can’t afford anal beads eat marbles and wait