Mike Pence getting booed at Hamilton is the worst thing to ever happen to a politician at a play
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When ur friends with white people
Wife online? Kids asleep? Time to relax & unwind with a damp cloth and a bottle of multi-surface cleaner. ‘Me time’.
(after first date)
*Hey, can you recommend any of your friends.
My 30 yr old called me this morning to ask when he had the chicken pox…please, I can’t even remember if I took my pills last night
Being an adult means I’m in charge of my own bedtime, and I’ve realized I’m not equipped to handle that responsibility.
I just won $50 on a scratch off! Guess y’all know who’s splurging on the whole cashews next grocery trip.
Women’s deodorant: Spring Breeze, Lilac, Gentle Sunshine.
Men’s deodorant: Sport, Mountain, Forest Fire, Rage, Fistfight, Childhood Angst.
Damn Girl, are you a violin solo in a Dave Matthews song? Cuz you go on forever.
“My desires are… unconventional.”
“Show me.”
*opens door to a room full of memes*
Parenthood can have it’s dark moments.
Like in this closet where I’m hiding eating my cake.
Spoiler alert: Sometimes accountants are boring on purpose because we think it’s funny when we see people’s eyes glaze over.
Playing car dealership with my son, we rearranged the lot.
Life’s most terrifying 10 seconds: Being held hostage in the corner of the shower by cold water.
the squirrels are playing dodgeball with acorns again, must be mating season
*scoops litter everyday for 17 yrs*
Kids: We want a kitten!
Me: How about unlimited candy, an Xbox and a PS5 instead?
Lost my pet unicorn.
If you find it, please share your drugs.
Ways to make your woman happy.
1. Cook for her.
2. Surprise her with hugs & kisses.
3. Hide a lion in her apartment then rescue her.
If you want to have fun with your kids, tell them the teacher called, then ask if there is something they need to tell you.
I’m only grabbing fast food to refill my napkin collection in the car.
I’ll accept the consequences but in my defense, it was a double dare..
Judge: well in that case, I triple dog dare you 60 days in jail.
To ‘There’s a Hole in the Bucket’
I can’t access my network
Dear IT, Dear IT
I can’t access my network
Dear IT, accessThen check your email
Dear cheeky, dear cheeky
Then check your email
Dear cheeky, check itI can’t access my network
Dear IT, dear IT
(repeat endlessly)
Clue is a wonderful game that teaches children about murder.
[to girl i just brought home] watch your step, i was playing with my legos earlier
I’ve been reading about a scientist who’s working to increase the size of male deer.
He’s hoping to make big bucks.
After 8 years of research and an obscene amount of funding, we have determined that bat shit is no crazier than any other shit
this is a marine life reminder SHARK tails go side to side WHALE tails go up and down and WHALE SHARK tails go all diagonal like.
Who Left The Bag Of Idiots Open?
I was in the park vaping in a tree when skateboard punk yolo teens called me “poor,” but jokes on them — I make hundreds of dollars a year.
I feel lethargic today. Probably has nothing to do with the two thousand grams of white sugar consumed yesterday.
If you see a hot girl walking you should honk your horn to let her know you’re intrested and afraid to talk to girls.