Mike Pence has a strong resume, including Governor of Indiana and Shawshank Prison Guard. #VPDebate
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I love the new Weight Watchers program. You can eat anything you want as long as you never join
HELP how do you know if a guy likes you or is only talking to you because you accidentally hit him with your car
Unless you have stellar reflexes, throwing a bouncy ball at your spouse during an argument is not the best choice.
*walks into high school reunion with six-foot tall sack of flour*
I took the assignment seriously. Anyway, this is Max… my son.
My tinder profile says I love dogs but then on dates I elaborate that it is hot dogs and corn dogs
[pulling my wife out of the sewer]
her: this is why you have to put the toilet seat down
Fool me once shame on you
Fool me 7 times you must be a car that looks like mine in the mall parking lot
YOGI BEAR: Hahaha, I just stole their pic-a-nic baskets!
RANGER SMITH: You murdered 7 campers.
YOGI BEAR: *Exasperatedly* …To get their pic-a-nic baskets.
WIFE: Will he ever wake up?
DOCTOR: Only a shocking truth will do it
W: i sold his pet hamster
ME *eyes fly open* WHERE HAS THEODORE GONE
Wife: I can’t remember beef ever being this expensive
Me: Would you say the steaks have never been higher? LOL
Wife: Please wait in the car. Our car this time.
Him: I’m an animal person
Me: *nervous* So like, a shapeshifter?
America only considers a war a success if we build a Bed Bath and Beyond in the enemy’s capital.
Hollywood hasn’t remade Spiderman in a couple weeks. I hope they’re okay.
I’m going to name my daughter Chilada so that when her siblings have children, they will call her Aunt Chilada.
“Honey, remember our first date?”
“Awh, are you planning something for Valentine’s?”
“No, I forgot my password. It’s the security question.”
Talk to your kids about drugs.
Maybe they have better connections than you.
I went downstairs to get my charger. I came back up with a bowl of ice cream and no charger. But, I’m okay. Thanks.
ME: I worked at a zoo for a while
THERAPIST: Great! & what did you take from that?
ME: [monkey noises coming from my bag] Uh good memories
what if you thought you had met your soul mate but then you saw them put mayonnaise on a hotdog
4yo: Can I have some more Easter candy?
Me: After lunch
4yo: I want lunch right now. I’m starving!!
Me: We just ate breakfast
4yo: Starving!
Me:
JK Rowling: the Whomping Willow was gay
My boyfriend said that I’m more than enough woman for him, and now I’m mad because I think he called me fat.
George Michael plays a genetic scientist whose work accidentally wipes out 80% of the human population in .. ‘Careless CRISPR’
Having ordered a cake from Layer’s I requested they send change for 2000/- (conversation was in Urdu). This is what was delivered!
Thought Experiment: Stand on a scale in an elevator. Cut the cable. You, the scale, and the elevator fall — scale reads zero
🎵Whooooaaaa, I’m halfway therrreee
WHOOOAAAA, LOSING ALL MY HAIRRRR
Take this wig, we’ll fake it I swearrrrr
WHOAOHH, LOSING ALL MY HAIRRR🎶
Alligators sewing little pictures of rich white people on their shirts.
My husband called and said he wants tacos for dinner. We’ve been together for 30 years and I still can’t tell whether or not it’s a euphemism.
sorry i’m late i had to catch a chicken is something i’d never thought i’d say, but here we are
When I say “seriously!” with either of the eyebrows raised, it could be a thinly disguised euphemism for wtf!!!