Mike said he’s breaking up w/ u cause you’re not very smart & u have issues
Me: OMG I DO NOT HAVE HIS SHOES WE DONT EVEN WEAR THE SAME SIZE
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While removing a cat hair from my phone screen I accidentally closed three windows, downloaded two apps, made an unwanted Amazon purchase, and texted my boss a Chuck Norris meme.
Loan officer: And what is the purpose of your loan, Sir?
Me: Whole Foods. I shop at Whole Foods.
It still works 🤷🏼♀️
me: i really like miley cyrus’s new cd
my kids: what’s a cd?
me: *dies of old age*
director: ok. it’s ancient Greece.
actor: British accent got it.
People will come in and out of your life. Make sure they’ve gotten the flu vaccine.
-inspirational tweet
Do I consider myself to be mentally stable? Buddy, I don’t even have a horse…
Trix are for kids, but when my favorite rabbit gets together with the Energizer bunny it’s grownup time.
I forgot how to eat at a restaurant am I supposed to bring netflix with me or will they have my computer there?
I’m not doing the london marathon today but I reckon if I start training now and eat more healthily, next year I should be able to watch a whole one.
C’mere baby, let me help you break that resolution.
My latest invention, spinal mascara, is creating a big backlash
Why are gifts in airports so expensive? God’s punishing you for waiting until the flight home to buy your wife a gift.
Hubby has an alarm app where you can record your own sounds or music to wake up to. I just changed his to “THE HOUSE IS ON FIRE!!!”
Me: So tired. So weak. Is this the coronavirus?
My body: The only vegetable you’ve had in weeks was on a pizza.
Me: Why me? I’m so young, so new to this earth
Body: You slept 20 total hours last week.
Me: Oh mortality, so cruel, so dark.
Body: Maybe drink water? Just once
Wanna feel old? This is Calvin and Hobbes now
The year is 2246. Disease and hunger have been eradicated. The terraforming of Mars is complete. The symbol for Save is still a floppy disk.
Scooby-Doo led me to believe that if I were ever really scared, I should run super-fast in place.
coworker: you alright?
me: my lunch isn’t agreeing with me.
my lunch: global warming is a myth
I’ve lost my sense of taste! Do I have the CODIV!! Oh, wait, this is a Coors Light.
You’re not impressing anyone, server who didn’t write down our orders. You’re just making us anxious.
i just ordered an RGB bulb for when i play music too loud and my mom says this is a house not a nightclub I’ll say i beg to differ
Me: I spend a lot of time awake at night, asking myself things like “Why don’t dogs have belly buttons?”
Priest: Ok valid question but not a confession, per se
My university sends requests for money four times a year, so I send them my face in a dog filter.
Pizza will never hurt your feelings.
Does a UFO remain an UFO once you identify it as a UFO?
[learning to ride a motorcycle]
INSTRUCTOR: Again I need to ask whoever it is making the “vroom vroom” sounds with their mouth to knock it off.
My husband just told me to relax, like he doesn’t remember we’re camping in the desert and I brought a shovel.
How many steps are you guys getting lately for me it’s 7