Mike said he’s breaking up w/ u cause you’re not very smart & u have issues
Me: OMG I DO NOT HAVE HIS SHOES WE DONT EVEN WEAR THE SAME SIZE
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My husband listens to me like he doesn’t realize there’s going to be a quiz later.
And y’all thought 2020 was going to be the worst year
The lady at the passport office just said to the man in line: The Walgreens down the street takes great pictures.
I said: I, too, am incredibly photogenic.
i handle all my disagreements like an adult
dance off pants off karaoke
One of my lamps has a light bulb which has outlasted my past 7 relationships.
Girlfriend: “Does this dress make me look fat?”
Me: “Stop blaming the dresses.
Someone got friendzoned hard at the Brewers game… 😬
[at KFC]
“One bargain bucket please”
“ok sir, and would you like any sides?”
“Yes please, otherwise the chicken will fall out”
bouncer: I’m going to have to ask you to leave
me: why
bouncer: I have no idea who you are and this is my trampoline
I’ve watched this over 100 times and I still can’t figure out how he did this
*I sit bolt upright in bed, drenched in sweat*
HER: Did you have the zombie nightmare again?
ME: (thinking about the time everybody sang ‘happy birthday’ to me and I accidentally joined in) Yes
My daughter made a new best friend, Mike, at summer camp. My best friend’s name is also Mike. Last night I told my wife I was meeting Mike out for a beer and my daughter exclaimed, “MY FRIEND MIKE?!?” Yes, I’m having drinks with a preschooler, then we’re getting matching tattoos.
[teaching son to swim]
Me: get this wrong & you die
My husband wants a fourth child. I hope his new wife will be good to my three.
I’m so scared of shoplifters I immediately shoot anyone who walks into the store. I don’t even work here.
Never bring a “you ordered the Elf from Amazon so you are legally bound to move it!” to a “why is it in the same spot for four days?!” fight
Goldfish 911: What’s ur emergency?
Goldfish: I forgot
Goldfish 911: Forgot what?
Goldfish: WHO IS THIS?
Goldfish 911: I DON’T KNOW
“Ooooh the Zodiac Killer, so scary. Are you going to kill me with astrology whoa that’s a big knife.”
Paranormal activity camera 3:33am…
Only catches me eating a chicken leg while doing the robot in my underwear.
Amish sext: I’m wearing that drab, full length nightgown that you bought for me at Ezekiel’s Secret.
First date
Me: when you said you were a WWF fanatic, I thought you meant Words with FriendsHim:(in tights) YOU’RE GOING DOWN *flips table*
What Swiss Army Knife attachment do I use to put those holes in cheese?
I still remember how great water out of a squirt gun tasted. That hint of polyethylene.
Don’t let people push you around. Unless it’s in a wagon, because that shit is fun!
Having sex while really full is like running with a backpack on.
Me: Hey, look, I can’t stay long, I’ve got a cab downstairs.
Her: You took a cab?
Me: I’m gonna give it back!
Have I done my taxes? No. Have I sent myself an email with the subject line “DO TAXES”? Yes, and that is half the battle.
I don’t know why I would ever look to Google for reassurance when it keeps me well-fed with headlines like, “The No. 1 Sign There’s a Snake in Your Car”
Me: How are you doing? Is our date starting to feel a bit awkward?
Her: Yeah, a little…
Me: I was talking to my mom!
Mom: No, I’m fine.
When my wife is mad at me, I like to straighten our wedding picture on the wall and say “for better or worse.”