Mike Trout turns 26 today. If he keeps up this pace, he’ll be 30 in four years
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i like to walk around my neighborhood leaving helpful notes in ppls mailboxes, such as, “doric columns don’t belong on a mid-century modern. what is u doing?” or “ur home has a mix of window styles that makes me wonder about the aesthetic you were going for. what is u doing?” or
If I had a time machine, I’d go back & mess with myself.
I’d delete and retweet frog my tweets monkey with random words giraffe inserted.
Is it me or do the unread books in the bookstore just seem shinier than the unread books at home?
Apparently saying “If you think your wife is fat now, wait till she has the baby” is not a good way to congratulate someone.
Stop staring lady, I was meowing at your cat.
The iPhone 6 looks pretty cool, but it still lets people leave voicemails, so they apparently haven’t worked out all the bugs yet.
i’m at the age where i have to stop myself from throat punching people who say they’re sooo old when they turn 30
I closed all the windows and curtains in the house. I don’t know where all this stupidity is coming from.
every time a guy in a movie says he has a bad feeling about this it’s when he’s already driving a car off a mountain and trying to land on another mountain that’s both on fire and covered in spikes. and it’s like yeah man that makes sense
It’s great that interstates have rest areas. But things like Wednesdays really need rest areas too.
I own a lot of cleaning supplies for someone whose friends inscribed “dust me” on my coffee table recently.
Last month my mom asked what “af” meant and I said it meant “like REALLY something” without saying what it stood for
“Does your dad play any sports?”
“No, my dad hates sports”
*dad walks in*
“Hey there, Sport”
can’t believe I got front row seats
Candy canes are the perfect treat. They are minty & put you into the holiday spirit & can easily be fashioned into a shank.
Batman cuts off a seemingly innocuous driver in the Batmobile, only to deal with the driver later, with the help of Superman #ChangingBanes
*me on my deathbed* here, I want you to have my basket of cords.
I always take a different store’s tote bags when I go grocery shopping so they don’t get the idea we’re exclusive or anything.
SCHRÖDINGER: So son, theoretically your cat is neither dead or al–
WIFE: Tell him.
SCHRÖDINGER: Your cat’s dead.
It creeps me out when my dog watches my wife and I have sex. We hide the videotapes, but he always finds them.
WIFE: get down here!
ME: *from telephone wire* I’m with my friends
WIFE: why are u wearing fake wings?
ME: *to bird next to me* they’re real
The Eighth Law of Libraries: the likelihood of an item being on the shelf where it belongs is inversely proportional to the physical distance the patron traveled to come get it without calling ahead first.
i didn’t think at 41 i would be saying “but please don’t tell my parents” as often as i do
I assume you left your plate on the counter right after I left the kitchen spotless because you were in a hurry TO FIND A NEW PLACE TO LIVE
Hello Darkness my old friend.
Darkness (under his breath): Oh God, it’s him again.
ME: [bumps man]
MAN: [spills coffee] Say sorry
ME: No
MAN: Then I’ll see you in court
ME: [remembers I own a camouflage suit] You won’t
Me: How is your chicken?
Mario: It needsa salt.
Me: Uh… ok *punches chicken*
My “15 minutes of fame” are when I get my paycheck and everyone I owe money comes to collect
Sometimes you just gotta be happy the kid is vacuuming her own room and overlook the fact that she’s making figure 8s