mike tyson’s full name is mike thank you son
You Might Also Like
How to tell if your kid is doing drugs
1. Are your drugs missing?
if you get caught speeding and a cop asks you “where’s the fire” you can just make up an address. they don’t have a list of current fires.
The mystery is not do spiders poop.
The mystery is where do spiders poop.
My bf just suggested we put canned peas in the egg salad and anyway, I’m single now.
*walks into funeral while playing the mandolin*
“I’m sorry. Am I interrupting?”
*dead guy sits up in casket*
No it sounds lovely. Keep going
My testicles are in The Guinness Book of Records. Got a few minutes before the librarian sees me.
Ever notice how loud the sound of opening a beer can at work is?
Date: any pets?
Me: a pet rock
D: lol at least u don’t have to housetrain it
Me: *flashback to piles of pebbles all over my house* haha yeah
*genie appears*
I wish I was rich!
GRANTED! YOU USED TO BE RICH
ok!—wait what?
FOR YOUR SECOND WISH, CONSIDER HAVING PAID ATTENTION IN CLASS
“You did it!”
“You did it!”
“You did it!”
-dog watching me fail to solve a rubiks cube
the banana is probably the most versatile fruit – can’t think of another fruit that can also be used as a gun, boomerang, or phone
Anyone who has ever said “I’m just going to let these dishes soak” has no intention of doing those dishes
Now I find out my ground hands are actually called feet wtf is going on today
I hate how survivors leave the zombies they kill wherever they fall.
I’m not sentimental.
I’m just sick of tripping over them.
[Enter password: ] MyPeeeeeeeeenis
[Error: password too long]
*high fives my laptop right off the desk*
DOG 911: what’s your emer-
DOG: MY HUMAN SAID “WALK” WHILE TALKING
DOG 911: so?
DOG: WE NEVER WENT FOR A WALK
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
Don’t wait for later to eat the cake. Do it now, before another mammal of your household finds it
them: here’s 10 potatoes. eat them all.
me: seriously? i can’t do that. it’s too much food.
them: here’s 10 potatoes that i mashed up and added butter, salt and milk to
me: that’s better
Why do I have to answer security questions to pay my bills?
Ohmygod please tell me there are hackers out there trying to pay my bills….
NYT: No, we did not make Wordle harder. We promise.
Also NYT: Today’s Wordle is KHYBX — which everyone knows is a popular 11th century Latin delicacy derived from quicksand extract. Duh.
Sex is a lot like Mario Kart, you go really fast, you throw some bananas, Wario is there.
Me: *does activity with the kids*
Kids: mummy this is so boring can we watch tvHusband: *does same activity with the kids the next day*
Kids: THIS IS THE MOST FUN WE’VE EVER HAD IN OUR WHOLE LIVES
God..how many exercise videos do you have to buy before you get some results
JUDITH! FETCH MY EVIL PLAN GLASSES!
*2 hours later has organised a small festival*
Dammit Judith, these are my party planning glasses!
Four polite Canadians arrive at a four way stop sign simultaneously.
…The end.
[First day as a doctor]
Patient: I got stabbed!!!
Me: is there a family history of being stabbed?
When you’re not sure if people keep waving at you you might need to ease up on the hellocinogens
You are right, 27 is “just a number” but I’m looking for a man, not a boy.
No offense.
PS: Save my number… just in case I change my mind.
Human: [doing homework]
Dog: why aren’t you eating that
Look, don’t call it a salad “bar” if you’re going to tell me I can’t do ranch dressing shots.