my mother, staring down at my open casket: is that what you’re wearing
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Meanwhile, a pug wearing an ugly Christmas sweater is having a doggy wedding in Central Park, while I can’t even get a girl to text me back
Who called it America and not the fast food and the furious?
Fly wife: Notice anything?
Fly husband: …
Fly wife: Seventeen thousand eyes and not one spots my new haircut
Dads are never closer to their pioneer heritage than when they are seeking out a spot for their family at the beach.
sex is great & all.. but have you ever successfully poured liquid from one cup into another WITHOUT spilling it?
Little known trivia:
If you go to Ikea without your significant other, the store will provide you someone to fight with, free of charge.
I saw a man getting ready to fight someone and he took out his airpods and gave them to his friends like they were hoops
As soon as I finish building this trebuchet, I, too, shall be a flight risk
I often say to myself, “I can’t believe my cloning machine worked!”
Mrs. Potato Head: OH MY GOD!
Mr. Potato Head: What?
Mrs. PH: Your browser history.
Mr. PH: I can explain!
Mrs. PH: TATER TOTS YOU PERVERT?!?
*Opening my window like a Disney princess to greet neighbors who are angrily throwing tomatoes*
me: honey you need to embrace your flaws
wife: ok [hugs me]
Me: *stressed
My spouse: Do you want me here or do you want me to leave you alone?
Me, now a stressed psychopath: Both.
[introducing date]
Me: This is Linda, my date.
Her: You mean Lisa.
Me: This is Linda, my Lisa.
Me: Will I live a long and happy life? *shake, shake, shake*
SOON A DOZEN CLOWNS WILL MURDER YOU WHILE YOU SLEEP
Me: This is the worst Magic 8 Ball ever.
I know sacrifice. I’m willing to pluck a few extra hairs to get to the white ones
I saw an attractive girl in the UK and said to her “you look like a million pounds”. That’s how I got this black eye.
wife: what time is it
me, trying to set the world record for longest anyone has gone without bending their elbows: you know I can’t see my watch
HR says I’m not allowed to test the bungy rope I made out of rubber bands on the intern
4 woke me at 12.30am and 3am then yelled at me because I wouldn’t take part in her frog jumping contest at 6.23am, do I just send my resignation to hr or
I feel like we have to go see the Matrix because Keanu would go and see one of our movies if we made one.
[at job interview at NASA]
NASA: sir, you’re underqualified for this position.
Me: have you seen our president?
NASA: give him a spaceship
A haunted house would be pretty scary if it was filled with light switches that accidentally turned on the garbage disposal.
Cat: [coughing up a hairball]
French tutor: very good
I remember when peer pressure was all about drugs and promiscuous sex.
Now it’s Fitbit and who has the best gluten free recipes.
“C’mon man, just as far as Cincinnati. I got a cousin there.”
NOAH: whoa hold up, we already have two slugs
SLUG (wearing shell): no no, not slug *taps shell with eyeball* call me snail
NOAH: *narrows eyes* you look like a slug
SLUG: does the big guy know you brought your wife and kids?
NOAH:
SLUG:
NOAH: karaoke’s at 7
I’m jealous of Eminem because my mom never made me spaghetti
They were testing a machine that calculates your age based on your reflexes. Turns out I am 140 years old.
Me: *hanging off a cliff*
Kids: Mom! Mom! Mom! Mom!
Me: Oh thank goodness! Kids, go get-
Kids: What’s for dinner?