Miles: Mom what does clitoral damage mean?
Me: 😳 Use it in a sentence, baby
Miles: Like clitoral damage in a war?
Me: Co-lat-er-ul, babe
You Might Also Like
If you call yourself a “cat photographer” and you are not a cat, gtfo
My amazing grandma cooked me some meals and this is how she labeled this one. God bless her.
When I’m bored in the morning I like to sit one of my boys down, fix them with my dad stare, and say “so….do you maybe have something you’d like to tell me? I’ll give you a little time to think about it”….and then walk away.
Who said parenting can’t be fun?
Me: *showing the priest a gif of a dog chasing his tail* Haha it’s like he never stops
Priest: Ok but I said “Bring the GIFTS to the alter”
9y/o~poking finger on my face.
Me(yelling)~dont touch me with your finger
Later~glad he got loophole now what to do with a foot on my face
[ first day of 5th grade ]
Teacher: Carly?
Carlie: Here
Teacher: No the other one
Karrlee: I’m Here
Teacher: Not you
Qar’leigh: Me?
Teacher: *chugs spiked coffee*
Parents are like “You left a gently used paper towel in your room over christmas. Do you need that? Want me to mail it?”
If pronouncing my b’s as v’s makes me sound Russian, then soviet.
an owl mistook my man bun for a sleeping hamster again today
Disney’s Aladdin taught me that as long as you have a foundation of lies, a monkey, actual magic, and one of you is rich, a relationship can work.
Chicago pizzerias be like hi would you like a slice of soup?
ME: my apologies sir I totally thought you were someone else
HIM: *pulls plunger off his face* well don’t let it happen again
*overheard from the other room
8yo: Can I have an ice cream sandwich?
Grandma: Did you finish your dinner?
8yo: No
Grandma: Just one then
Me: sobbing because Antie died in “Honey, I Shrunk The Kids”.
Also me: two cans of Raid in hand, chasing one single ant across the house.
Weather: is bad
My body: welp time for a migraine
Weather: is good
My body: welp time for a migraine
Me: but
My body: I said what I said
I’m not a stupid person. I have a college degree. But I’ll never understand how a fan can collect so much dust when it’s constantly moving.
the boy who cried wolf would be a way cooler story if actual wolves came out of his eyes
My wife is terrified of thunderstorms. The banging outside the window is horrendous, but if we let her in she’ll just get the dog all wet.
Beer: When are you coming home.
Me: Right away honey.See. Marriage works. Just choose the right wife.
not to brag but once I was flirting with this girl and a day later she got back with her ex
“You’re not pretty enough. Now pay us $3.99 so we can tell you why.” – Magazines
I walked into a pub with my wife..
The Bartender asked: Would you like a drink for your wife?
I said That sounds like a fair swap
I got my grandma an air fryer and she told me I can take it back to the store cause she uses oil in her house 😭😭
Cinco de Mayo means five of mayonnaise in Spanish.
*deletes embarrassing drunk tweets
*tweets embarrassing sober ones
[Restaurant]
Waiter: “Dogs aren’t allowed in restaurants.”
Me: “He’s my service dog.”
My dog: “I’m here to fix your refrigerator.”
an emergency cyanide capsule to bite when someone’s about to explain bitcoin
*stands near cute dude in store*
ME [pretending to be on my phone]: PLEASE doctor, when will I be cured of my no gag reflex problem *winks*
*looks left*
*looks right*
*tosses tree branch over neighbor’s fence*
wife: omg what are you doing?
me: wrapping presents
wife:
me:
wife: IS THAT ALUMINUM FOIL?!