Miley Cyrus has her tongue out more than Jabba the Hutt.
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My favorite part of the gym is leaving. And girls in stretch pants.
My condolences to all the pets called stupid names.
ME: I found a genie today
WIFE: that’s wonderful, I have some great ideas for wishes
ME: *looking at brand new unopened copies of Shrek 1, Shrek 2, and Shrek 3* I can’t wait to hear them
I grew up before google, and as a kid I didn’t know bread was slang for money. Spent my childhood wondering why they put bread in Billy Joel’s jar.
*harry walks into snape’s office*
“What is it Potter?”
*closes and locks door*
“I miss you”
“Harry…”
*puts finger on snape’s lips*
“Shhhhh”
You can sing along to a good song in my car as long as you don’t take lead vocals. Just accept that you’re a background singer or get out.
James Blunt: you’re beautiful
James Blunter: I’ve seen better
I have no idea who these famous people are. We need to go back to three channels.
Every McDonald’s should have a flag they fly at half mast when the ice cream machine is broken
I’m really bad at measuring the correct amount of pasta when cooking, so if you and 79 of your friends want spaghetti tonight…I got extra.
*waves to the bagged salad i’ll throw out in a few days as i get ketchup for my fries
Dad: Thanks for cleaning your room Emily. Unlike certain other children of mine, who will remain nameless.
Son: *eyes welling up* Please give me a name, I’m 17
6yo granddaughter: wonder how far this will go
Twists doll head til it snaps off
Screeches “mom!!!”
Me: you’d make a rotten serial killer
*watching John Wick*
Ugh, 222 stairs would be difficult enough without fifty guys trying to kill me
I post 🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩 on Facebook everyday.
I don’t play Wordle, but it drives my family nuts.
I’m wearing black today so powdered sugar donuts seem like a solid choice.
Me: you’re like heroin.
Her: Why? Because you’re addicted to me?
Me: No, because you’re ruining my life.
All I want for Christmas is an extra trash pickup day.
if you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all: I watched Rebel Moon 2 and the Netflix app worked well. showed me the entire movie. in color
[car in front of me stops to turn, forcing me to slow down slightly]
ME: I hate you
How many times in your marriage have you ever answered a question with a question?
Wives – 3
Men – What?
I’m trying to explain to my mother how to get pictures off her phone, while we’re on the phone, and everything is awful.
My bank just sent me an email starting with “we’re all in this together” and then told me my monthly fees are going up
[first day as a pharmacist]
Customer: do you have any cold medicine?
Me: *looks around* I think they’re all room temperature
“I’M NEVER DRINKING AGAIN!”
Brain: LOL
Empty bottles: LOL
Wine shop owner: LOL
New bottle: LOL
Bottle opener: LOL
Liver: LOL
Me: LOL
doctor: what’s wrong?
me: nobody can tell the time anymore
doctor: *on the intercom* janice, we’ve got another one, cancel my 38 o’clock
[Limbo contest]
Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog.
Me: pew pew…pew pew pew
Guy at next urinal: Please stop
My cat has made it very clear that we will not be getting rid of the box that I want to get rid of.
I almost slept through the whole thing
*best day ever*