“Miley Cyrus: ‘Society Wants to Shut Me Down'”. Not down, Miley. Up.
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Make her feel like she’s the only woman on earth. Because nothing makes women happier than feeling like all other women are dead.
[my first day as a financial investor]
“I’m going all in on this Acme Corporation. Anybody want a piece?”
3 asked if I remembered when she had a cough and I brought her snacks in bed and I asked if she was worried about getting a cough because of the pandemic and she said what pandemic can I just bring her snacks in bed
I’m fat, so when I get mad, I get massive aggressive.
My daughter has a middle school government test today. So I figured the best way to help her study was to weave the material into our convo when she complained this am
Release that sexual frustration, get a burger.
All panties are edible if you’re dedicated enough.
[pitching my invention of liquid chicken nuggets]
CEO: so you just drink them?
ME: *pulls a needle and syringe out of my briefcase* think bigger
Ask your Doctor if Adderall can help you vigorously scrub your floors and alphabetize your clothing instead of studying.
Oh, I shouldn’t worry? Why didn’t I think of that?
*Holding a banana like a phone* (texting)
CONDUCTOR: Oh my dad’s in the audience
[waves to dad]
[orchestra goes crazy]
I remember when I was 14 I really wanted a ZX Spectrum. I did odd jobs, and saved up my pocket money and paper-round wages until eventually I had enough money to pay my cousin Dawn to steal one from Dixon’s
her, deep in thought: *does that cute thing where she puts the tip of the frames of her glasses in her mouth*
me, deeper in thought: *eats my glasses*
I bought and named a star after you.
If you look to the west on a clear night you will see Sociopath.
Trump’s gonna be sooo mad when he finds out that China realized building a Great Wall didn’t keep foreigners out 400 years before he did.
Whoa, whoa whoa…
I only lick people on the street when I need them to get out of my way.
follow request on instagram. a tan and in shape man on a pool float. blocked.
If you slept with my husband I’d be like “OMG how much do I owe you?”
*Facebook down*
Grandpa: *in the back alley* Yes, can I please get a gram of conspiracy theories
Kept nodding off at an estate auction and bought a garden gnome for 3 million dollars.
Hi, I’m your car’s radio. I’ll be playing terrible music during your trip, but once you get out of the car I’ll play your favorite song.
if you’re feeling stressed out, just relax, take a deep breath, and exhale fire over all of your enemies. this is more for dragons btw
“hottie with a body” implies the existence of “hottie without a body”……how do i become HER
I’ve been watching HGTV with my wife for the past two hours, and just once – just ONCE – I would like to see a couple looking for a home who hates entertaining.
Losing weight
Pros:
– fit into fashionable clothes
– less chub rub
– can be picked up & carriedCons:
– fit into beauty standards
– less likely that thighs will merge into eachother and become a mermaid tail
– can be picked up & carried
I set my GPS voice to Mom, and now when I miss a turn, it says “Your sister wouldn’t have missed that.”
Question of the day :
If the early bird gets the worm, why do good things come to those who wait?
Being a grandpa must be tough, some baby mispronounces a word and suddenly your name is “Peepo” for the last 30 years of your life
A guy in my class stopped me today as I was walking out and said “I gotta show you this girl she’s your literal twin” and then showed me my own Instagram