“Miley Cyrus: ‘Society Wants to Shut Me Down'”. Not down, Miley. Up.
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I hate it when baby boomers are like “your generation is too sensitive!”. Like ok, Gail, I’m not the one writing 8 paragraph Yelp reviews because the restaurant was painted a color you didn’t like.
I haven’t been in my bathroom ever since my daughter told me she had “done a number four”.
*gets hit by car*
me: it’s ok buddy can happen to anyone*friend says I’ll call you right back and doesn’t*
me: there can be no forgiveness for this
Baby bump? That’s a McRib bump.
What’s so funny?
6yo: What is a solar eclipse?
Me: Have you ever been outside in the dark?
6yo: yeah
Me: same idea
I finally had the talk with my kids. I told them that in the wild animals eat their young so they better get their shit together.
Hungarian Prime Minister says his country has the largest trade deficit in Europe proving you shouldn’t go shopping when you’re Hungary.
does anyone in IT care to admit that when someone submits a help request you quietly fix the problem behind the scenes and then tell them to try something super obvious so they look like an idiot?
When pets wake me up at 5 am, it’s painful but adorable and I come right to life.
When humans do it, they lose a finger.
A bee is willing to end it’s own life just to cause you a tiny amount of pain. I can relate to that level of pettiness.
Me: Man I love the eighties
Grandparents: We have names
Back in my day the only time we started panic buying is when the bartender yelled out “last orders” and rang that little bell……
me: what’s the difference between an american and an australian spider?
date: i don’t know
me: one is a spider you idiot
Me to wife: “I don’t need a grocery list, it’s only three things.”
Also me: *Forgets two of the three things and comes home with a llama*
Dad just found my Twitter. Fame is a double edged sword. On an unrelated note, church today was so much fun and I got so much studying done.
Sure, Billy Joel can make love to his tonic and gin but when I do it, I get a PH imbalance and a lifetime ban from my favourite bar.
If anyone gets drunk later and feels like paying off a credit card or two for me hmu.
[gets intuitive notification]
you know what, apple watch, I think I will finish that outdoor walk from 2011
I’m walking around the hotel this morning with a briefcase handcuffed to my wrist.
It’s a great way to meet chicks.
Me: I’ve had a long day. Make it a double.
Nurse administering the Covid shot: What?
I consider sexual harrassmemt a compliment. I mean they only do it if your hot right?
I like to yell “Stranger danger!”whenever my boss introduces me to a new client.
Anytime I see a teacher sitting backwards in a chair, I’m like, “Oh damn. This guy is about to test the boundaries of traditional education”
“you’re the biggest narcissist i’ve ever encountered!”
why are you making this about you?
Where it all went wrong
Me: Oh I love your hair, you look like a different person.
Her: Is that what you want?
scrooge: who are you
ghost: i’m the ghost of christmas present
scrooge: so santa claus
ghost: NOT THAT KIND OF PRESENT
My kids found their Kit Kats and then accused me of hiding them. Like WTF, how shameful are these kids to go into my closet?
the word: Mildew
my brain: Mother In Law Dew
If insanity is repeating the same action expecting a different outcome, should I just wait til my kids are in college to clean the house?